Arts & Entertainment
Creep of the Week: James Hartline
by D'Anne Witkowski
Originally printed 11/20/2008 (Issue 1647 - Between The Lines News)
Smokey The Bear said it best: "Only YOU can prevent forest fires."
Apparently, you can also start them, just by being gay. And no, not because you look smokin' hot in your 2Xist boxer briefs.
No, it's because God hates you. And so he's set California on fire. To punish you.
At least that's what "ex-gay" right-wing preacher James Hartline claims in a Nov. 16 post to his blog.
"But wait," you might be thinking, "didn't California just ban marriage for same-sex couples? Following Hartline's logic, wouldn't God be rewarding California?"
Oh reader, with your silly logic. Don't you know that gays are responsible for all of the calamity the world over? The title of Hartline's post says it all: "California Fires Rage As Gay Marriage Protesters Defy God."
That's right. God is aiming His fiery wrath at the Sunshine State because gays have the audacity to protest after having their rights taken away.
"God keeps trying to get their attention," Hartline writes. "They, for their part, are shouting so loud for the acceptance of homosexuality, that they cannot hear the thunderous warnings of God: 'Repent! For the judgment comes soon!'"
Something tells me that if God really was trying to tap gays on the shoulder and say, "Uh, excuse me, gays? Can I have your attention?" that He could find more targeted ways than torching the Oakridge Mobile Home Park. And if he can't, maybe God should sign up for some classes on PR and marketing at Holy Cross Community College.
"Today, people are running for their lives as 800 California homes have burned down and the firestorm is spreading like a nuclear holocaust," Hartline writes. "Yet, the radical homosexual anarchists rampage upon the streets of this state demanding the destruction of marriage and family, and the establishment of their socialistic dark vision for society."
Hmm, let's see... Gays and lesbians want to be able to get legally married to the person they love and want to spend the rest of their lives with. I'm not really sure how that qualifies as a "socialistic dark vision for society." That certainly doesn't speak well for Hartline's opinion of marriage.
"Each time homosexual activists attempt to force their agenda on California, there have been raging, massive, incinerating fires sweeping across the California landscape," Hartline writes.
Well, gosh, you can't argue with logic like that. Speaking of which, each time I vacuum, my dog growls and tries to bite the vacuum cleaner, which can only mean that my vacuum cleaner is inhabited by evil spirits only my dog can hear.
Never mind the fact that one could easily take Hartline's argument and turn it around. After all, since California voters did just gang up on a minority to take away their right to marry, might God not be mad about that? Might God not be saying to California, "Hey, you guys can't do anything right. That's it. I don't have time to wait for you to fall into the ocean. I'm setting you on fire."
Of course not. Because that would be, what's the word? Oh yeah: insane.