'Eating Out' sequel leaves you hungry

And the sex isn't even good

By Chris Azzopardi

A bunch of beefy saliva-making men - served buffet-style - sounds good. But when it involves the two innuendo-laced words "Eating Out"? Not so much. And so here we have it (even though it's hard to imagine who'd want it):

"Eating Out 3: All You Can Eat," part of a long-burned-out series that prides itself on being the first gay-themed theatrical trilogy. That's right - they half-assed three films that suck more than their hunky, gay characters. Congratulations.

The spent third, out on Nov. 10, is as limp as the penises in it, with a shallow, predictable script that could only be worse if it didn't have abysmal acting distracting from some of the gag-me gabbing and un-punchy punch lines.

Unwisely, it borrows elements and subplots from the first stimulating-but-fleeting film and the better - but still pretty bad - second one. Do you even care? Do you watch an "Eating Out" trilogy for redemptive value, for the acting, for its brains? Hell no.

You want hot freeze-frame-worthy action and gratuitous shots of cock (sadly, your appetite will only be whet).

So, the story - who cares? But if you must: Dorky dude Casey (Daniel Skelton), a toothy twink, seduces Zack (Chris Salvatore) online. The catch is: Zack thinks Casey is hotter than he really is because his profile pic was actually of his fag hag's ex-boyfriend (Michael Walker). When Zack finds out, Casey has to dig himself out of a deep, deep hole (boys, you know the kind) and try to reclaim his crush's trust before he can get in his pants. But wait, where's the first two films' Kyle (Jim Verraros of "American Idol")? He's gone. Dead.

It's better this way, because the singer-turned-actor saved himself from even sloppier seconds; an endless, listless, mindless 80-minutes that's like listening to someone go on and on and on without having anything good to say. "Eating Out" talks itself to death. And then it talks some more. It's like, shut up already - and suck. That, it does.

Only sometimes does it cha-ching with some half-baked zinger or humorous rant - Leslie Jordan, Casey's confidante, rips on the Miley Cyrus hoopla, and Mink Stole, as Kyle's mom and Casey's aunt, gives a hilariously inappropriate eulogy during the un-PC funeral scene.

With her one-liners and saucy spunk, the dirty-mouthed Tiffani (Rebekah Kochan), who takes Casey under her slutified wings and tries to win him his crush, is the best thing going for this ridiculous, inept bomb. But, even then, who really wants to hear her sing a sexed-up take on "Kumbaya" - with the "kum" replaced with "cum"? Anyone? Anyone?

Way worse, though, are the two duller-than-sandstone male leads. Salvatore isn't turn-off-DVD-now bad as the hunky, desperately-seeking-dude homo, but Skelton is as expressionless as a brick wall, robotically delivering lines like a construction worker builds roads - just going through the motions: "Look at me, I'm acting. This is acting."

He's supposed to convey endearing, sweet-and-shy cuteness, but he comes across as moronic and annoying. And his doe-in-headlights look surfaces so often you have to wonder if he really was surprised ... that he actually made it in front of a camera. Because he doesn't belong there. And neither did this starved farce.

Grade: D-

MI Marriage Trial

Michigan Same Sex Couples Demand Respect And Equal Treatment

Michigan Leaders React To Feds Recognition Of Marriages

MI Marriage: Schuette Asks For Full Appeals Court Review

The Stay Delayed Allows 315 Couples To Wed In State

Gay Marriage Defines Schuette's Reelection Campaign

Snyder Says Schuette Going Against Trend

Sixth Circuit Continues Stay

Michigan Marriage Ban Struck Down

Michigan Makes History With First Marriages

Elected Officials, Advocates Petition Schuette To Drop Marriage Aappeal

Pictures from Ingham County - Getting Married

Pictures from Oakland County Clerk's Office - Part 1

Pictures from the Oakland County Clerk's office - Part 2

Pictures from the Oakland County Clerk's Office - Part 3

Pictures from Washtenaw County

White Nationalist Group Files Brief Supporting AG's Appeal In Marriage Ruling

Discredited Witness Part Of Right-Wing Cabal

Schauer Celebrates Overturn Of Michigan Marriage Ban

Equality Michigan Circulating Petition to Drop Appeal

Why Are Governor Rick Snyder and Attorney General Bill Schuette Wasting Michigan Taxpayer Dollars On A Costly Appeal?

Michigan Marriage Ban Co-Author Goes 'Moral'

BTL's Wedding Expo: Like Pride in April

Snyder Says Marriages Invalid

Elected Officials, Advocates Petition Schuette To Drop Marriage Appeal

Request To Remove Stay Based On Process And Substance

Schuette Lies To Satisfy Political Base

DOCUMENTS: The decision, the stay, and more

BREAKING: Holder Asked To Recognize Michigan Marriages

Michigan Marriage Ban Ruled Unconstitutional

BREAKING: Sixth Circuit Court Of Appeals Issues Temporary Stay On Michigan Case

BREAKING: Same-Sex Couples Across Michigan Get Hitched

BREAKING: Judge Friedman Declares Michigan's Same-Sex Marriage Ban Unconstitutional

Judge Could Rule Late Today In Mich. Marriage Ban

Michigan Marriage Trial: And Now We Wait

Editor's Viewpoint: Our Long Journey To Justice

Federal Marriage Case Decisions Outside Michigan In Circuit Court of Appeals

Peers Distance Themselves As Regnerus Takes The Stand

Marriage Supporters, Protestors Brave Cold At Courthouse

Highlights From Michigan Same-Sex Marriage Hearing

Brown Says Schuette Instructed Clerks To Defy Court

Michigan Marriage Equality Trial Begins Second Week

Marriage Equality Trial Opens : Science v. Fear

Michigan Marriage Center Prepares State For The Possibility!

Michigan Marriage Case Begins

A Trial Full of Experts: Incredible and Not So Credible, In Hazel Park Case

like us on facebook follow us on twitter follow us on google+