Originally printed 1/26/2012 (Issue 2004 - Between The Lines News)
Cheater looks for answers
Q: I was drinking one day with my best friend "Nancy." I had several mixed drinks. Nancy was not drunk. So, I don't know how it all happened, but one thing led to another and Nancy and I had sex.
I've been in a relationship for four years now with my girlfriend, "Allison." The awful thing about all this is that she lives in another country. We have been working out our long distance relationship for a year now. I have to say that I didn't have any intentions of having sex with my straight friend because I love Allison to death. I'm literally dying with what happened with Nancy.
Should I tell Allison what happened with Nancy?
A: Why would you want to do that? I suppose it might make you feel better, like lessen your feeling of guilt, but unburdening yourself won't help her or make her feel good. And it won't change anything that you and your "straight" friend did together.
I think you'd do better turning your attention to what happened with Nancy and why, and if a long-distance relationship will work for you. It's not about why you and a "straight" friend had sex. It's about why you had sex with another person other than the woman you are in a relationship with. I'm assuming your relationship is meant to be monogamous, or you wouldn't be upset about this and writing to me.
I'm not who he thinks
Q: I lost my head or had too many drinks - or both - on New Year's Eve. I met this guy, "Damon," at a party and was blown out of the water by him. He's a real hottie and a very successful person. He is someone I didn't ever think I could get. So, when he asked me about myself, well, I sort of embellished. In other words, I told him things about myself that aren't true. I told him that I was an architect, that I lived in a part of town that is ritzy, that I belong to clubs that are very exclusive, and so on. You probably wonder why I said all this. I've been wondering that myself. The only thing that I can come up with is that I had too much to drink and because I really thought that I would only have a one-night stand with this guy, and that would be that. I figured that if I didn't build myself up like I did, I would soon be dismissed by him, and he'd be onto someone else. Well, I was successful in my quest; he wanted me. And I have to say, I had one great New Year's Eve. It was the greatest, sexist night of my life!
I know that I am a fraud. I guess I wanted to live out a fantasy, and I was willing to do whatever it took. I didn't realize or believe that he would want to see me again. I didn't mention it earlier, but I am not in his league when it comes to looks or accomplishments. That's why I was counting on all my made-up attributes to attract him. Well, it did. The problem is - as I'm sure you can determine - my made-up attributes are just that: made up!
I got a call from this guy. He wants us to meet up again. What could I say but yes. I know that I can't keep up this charade for long. Frankly, I wish he'd never called again, and that I was left with just a fantasy that was fulfilled.
So, how do I get out of this mess?
Queen for a Night
A: It seems to me that you either have to tell him that you are not interested in dating or a relationship with him, or tell him the truth - who knows, maybe, for him, it's not about all your made-up attributes. I see no other choices. Your predicament reminds me of the old adage: "Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive."Jody Valley spent 12 years as a clinical social worker. She worked with the LGBT community both as a counselor and a workshop leader in the areas of coming out, self-esteem and relationship issues. The "Dear Jody" column appears weekly. Reach Jody via Facebook (Dear Jody Valley) or at DearJodyValley@hotmail.com. Letters may be edited for clarity and length.
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