Arts & Entertainment
Dear Jody: Can't hurry love
Originally printed 3/1/2012 (Issue 2009 - Between The Lines News)
I have been looking for the love of my life for years and, as of yet, haven't found her. It's difficult not having a special someone.
I'm 33 years old, and have had many girlfriends, but I've always known that I wasn't dating the woman that I wanted to live out my life with. I don't think that it is because I'm picky or overly critical; it's just I have not been able to see a long-term scenario in any woman, because I just didn't feel that kind of connection.
I'm feeling like true love will never happen, and maybe I should just settle for whoever. I am dating a woman now, "Jenny." I really like her. We get along very well and have lots in common. She's a good woman, but again, I don't think that she's "the one." However, I'm wondering if the right person will ever come into my life, and I'm lonely and tired of waiting for that special person to arrive.
Jenny and I have been together almost two years, though we don't live together. Lately she has been saying that we should make our relationship more permanent, maybe a commitment ceremony or going to a state where we can marry. And, of course, along with that, we should live together. I've avoided answering or committing to this idea - mostly changing the subject when it comes up - because the mere thought of a commitment ceremony or a marriage makes me break out in a cold sweat!
I know that Jenny is getting the idea that I'm not really excited about making our relationship more official or permanent, though she hasn't really confronted me on it yet, but I feel it coming. I feel bad about this because, as I said, Jenny is a good person and I like her and I do have feelings for her. I just don't know if it's love, or that she's the person I'm supposed to spend my life with.
Am I asking for too much? Will I end up with no one if I don't settle with someone? Should I just go ahead with a commitment ceremony or a marriage with Jenny and hope it works out for the best?
In A Cold Sweat
A: If you are waiting for the perfect person, you probably will end up lonely, because there is no such person. And it is my belief that there is more than one person in the world with whom we can have a great relationship. However, I have no way of knowing whether you have met a person that would be a good match for you. And I haven't heard you give a strong statement of "love" for Jenny. You also haven't mentioned if you have had any long-term relationships, ones that lasted more than two years. You've only said that you've had "many girlfriends." That leads me to wonder if long-term relationships and commitment are an issue for you, something you don't feel that you are able to do; therefore, you find your girlfriends lacking in one way or another.
Regarding your relationship with Jenny: it isn't fair for Jenny or you to enter into a commitment ceremony or get married if you don't see being with her as a long-term arrangement, since - I'm assuming - she would be thinking of it that way.
Before you go any further in your relationship with Jenny, or anyone else for that matter, I suggest you seek counseling to help you look into your relationships. You need to find out if you have really not found the right person for you to make a commitment with, or if commitment is something you are avoiding.
Want to know why some people have commitment issues? Go to Dear Jody Valley on Facebook.Jody Valley spent 12 years as a clinical social worker. She worked with the LGBT community both as a counselor and a workshop leader in the areas of coming out, self-esteem and relationship issues. The "Dear Jody" column appears weekly. Reach Jody at DearJodyValley@hotmail.com. Letters may be edited for clarity and length.