Parting Glances: Three Arfs. Six Purrs. A Suggestion!

BY CHARLES ALEXANDER

A federally funded study by People & Friends of Cats and Dogs (P-FCD) reports that "persons of rainbow personality make the best dog owners, but have little influence on cats, although this should not be misconstrued as homophobia on the part of America's feline population."

The P-FCD Study - "Are American Pets at Risk with Gay/Lesbian Owners?" - finds that "dogs owned by LGBT people are happier, better mannered, more likely to heel and to fetch than dogs reared by straights. They shed less - the dogs, not the straights, but who knows - during summer months, and do their gender sniffing and hydrant marking in a covert, more decorous manner."

Interestingly, too, is the study's finding that most breeds - with the exception of Pekingese, Chihuahuas and Dachshunds - show marked sporting instincts: catching Frisbees, treeing squirrels, chasing unmarked police cars, and, when raised by newly mating lesbians, guarding unattended U-Hauls.

"Rottweilers, when dyke raised, tend to be a one-owner breed. They are loyal to a fault. (The dogs, not the dykes.) Curiously, pit bulls become remarkably docile when trained by lipstick lesbian owners in suburban settings.

"Breeds raised by gay men seldom bark, or if they do, it's barking in quieter tones, and are less likely to eat ill-prepared dinner scraps or TV frozen dinner leftovers. They also show a preference for dog houses that are painted in warmer tones and edged with white lattice work. Collars are preferred with sequins and, in leather outings, studs or spikes."

The old saying, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks!," has been proven "to be utterly false and denigrating to aging canine populations. Old dogs - with gay owners as role models - are actually remarkably adept at doing new tricks.

A big study disappointment is with finicky cat populations. It's determined that cats raised by LGBT people are just as likely to be as independent as cats raised by straights.

"The truth is that cats just don't give a rat's winkie if you're straight or gay. If you feed them on time, they just couldn't care less. And whatever you do, don't smoke their catnip around them. And please leave their fur balls alone. Under no circumstances color-coordinate or decorate their litter box."

There is a note of progress, however. For some reason "alley cats seem to live longer when kept by gay, single males. This applies whether neutered or not neutered." (The cats, not the single males.)

Not everyone is pleased with the P-FCD findings. In The Family Way, a right-wing, vigilante organization headquartered in Free Fall, Montana, expresses outrage at the P-FCD in its monthly newsletter, "The Litter Box." [Editorial correction: That should be Letter Box.]

"The Gay Agenda stops at nothing," opines the editorial. "Not only do they want special political rights, the right to marry and to adopt children, now they want to raise America's wagtail majority - our innocent dogs and cats - as same-sex, house-broken pets. Maybe a dry-blown, perfumed poodle or two, but not a born-again Boxer. Never!"

The editorial ends with the usual request for money in the "cultural war to save our four-footed friends from a life of pampering and eternal perdition. Heaven loves a cheerful benefactor." How true!

Give a pup or kitten a loving home in 2017. Call the Michigan Humane Society today. Happy Arf! Mary Meow! And a Perverted Purr Award for a pussy-loving Donald Trump and his GOP-decorated, White House Litter Box of unneutered cronies. (Keep plastic, pick-up bag in hand.)

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