Parting Glances: Don’t read Trixxie’s lips

By |2018-01-16T01:39:57-05:00September 22nd, 2005|Opinions|

I don’t want to ignite panic among that ever-radiant breed of entertainers known as drag queens — bless their birdseed boobs and padded hip huggers — but a staple of their high art — lip-synching — has been declared illegal for straights, gays, or buy curious.
The mandate against mouthing words (some call it Christian lip service) hasn’t been ordered in America — but one never knows when the winds of change will blow, if I may employ a meteorological expression. (After all: gays cause hurricanes and tsunamis.)
One would think that lip-synching is a constitutional right; that we can choose with impunity whom we want to mouth: whether one person, several, or a whole darn chorus. T’aint so. Lip-synching may be on its way out, thanks to a guy who calls himself Sapamurat Niyazov, “Turkmenbashi” [Father of all Turkmen].
Ring any belles? I thought not.
Mr. — for short — Turkey is president for life of Turkmenistan, a banana republic located on the Caspian Sea, neighbor to Iran and Afghanistan, and possessor of most of the world’s natural gas (in more ways than one). And, as ripe bananas go, he’s the top.
The reason Mr. Turkey bashed lip-lynching, so he says, “Is that it does a disservice to the true art of singing, making singers lazy and others, vocal parasites of them. Lip-synchers lack musical gifts and talents of full-throated tonsil articulation.” [Translation courtesy of Worldwide Federation of Drag Queens, Wyandotte Local 902]
Lip-synching is not the only gay-decorative endeavor to get the machete chop. Ballet and opera have also been axed, as “too frivolous, too counterproductive to national solidarity, unity, and military readiness.” Young people are also forbidden to get gold-tooth caps and to grow their hair long.
Lip-synching is prohibited at all cultural events, concerts and television, weddings, and, presumably, circumcisions. Needless to say, worldwide opera queens, divas, and balletomanes, gay dentists and barbers are quite upset, planning to stage round-the-clock silent protests at the UN.
“Let’s pray America’s Religious Right doesn’t get wind of this cultural calamity,” says that Arbiter of Good Taste and artistic freedom, Sister Serena Scatterpin. “If opera, ballet, and lip-synching are banned, that spells the total collapse of everything worthwhile and sacred gays hold dearly to their lavendar scented hearts. I suspect golf, tennis, and Shock are just around the corner.”
Lest my pro lip-synching readers get the impression that Mr. Turkey is anti the Seven Arts (and Cher wannabes) the following cultural enhancements may be claimed to his credit: He has caused to be built some 2000 statutes in his honor. He has a month of the year and a meteorite named after him, and days of the week, for members of his non lip-synching family.
Even though the people of Turkmenistan are quite poor, Mr. Turkey thoughtfully erected a 10 meter high gold-plated tribute to himself, atop a 72 meter tower, surrounded by bubbling fountains and flower gardens. He also built a desert oasis with 22 (usually empty) five-star hotels. Finally, he decreed old age begins at 85. (He’s 62.)
Each day children recite by rote,”Turkmenistan, my beloved motherland. You are always with me in my thoughts and my heart. For the slightest evil against you let my hand be lost. For the slightest slander about you let my [non-lip-synching] tongue be lost. At the moment of my betrayal to my motherland, to her sacred banner, to Sapamurat Turkmenbashi, let my [non-lip-synching] breath stop.”
Adds Sister Scatterpin, “If lip-synching is banned in America, whatever will Dubya do? Talk Turkey?”

About the Author:

Charles Alexander