By R.J. Beaumia
Since I'm suffering from information overload this week – I just returned from a fantastic conference for writers in the organized labor press – I'm going to assuage my aching synapses by briefly commenting on some of the stories I've read about the homo-week-that-was.
According to Cox News Service, gay Republicans are still mad at the Bush government and religious conservatives, but "the frosty relationship is warming." Patrick Guerriero, president of the Log Cabin Republicans, told Cox (so many Cox jokes, so little time), "On the days that I have disagreements with people like Jerry Falwell, I'm reminded that I disagree more with Nancy Pelosi on a hundred different issues."
I can imagine the conversation Patrick has with his reflection as he shaves himself in the morning, "I know that the Christians would love to gas me and throw me in a blast furnace, but Nancy Pelosi wants me to pay taxes on my 1,200 thread-count sheets!" Guerriero and his group are a despicable lot. They are a bunch of swine so selfish, so hateful, that they just won't get the hint that they're not wanted by today's GOP troglodytes. Log Cabin creeps can suck on the big Zyklon B hookah as they please, but I'll stick with dick.
I don't know if it's a joke or a publicity stunt, but I've been reading that Alexis Arquette wants to make a full gender transition to female. If it's true then that's great, but I'm concerned about what they're going to do with the actor's/actress's legendary tackle once they make the final cut. I've seen the photos, and I'm sure there will be plenty left over after they construct his new genitals. I'm more than willing to put the offal to good use, giving an entirely new spin to the phrase "Frankenstein's monster."
Ford Motor Company was forced by a wingnut shareholder to put forward a proposal to amend their equal employment policy to exclude sexual orientation. The company is advising all its other shareholders to vote "no" on the proposal. I urge all of you who have Ford stock to be sure to send in your proxy statement voting against the measure, and to tell everyone you know who has shares in Ford as well. The proxy statement has to be turned in before the shareholder meeting on May 11.
Pfc. Richard Ashley, the Army paratrooper with the elite 82nd Airborne Division who got busted for acting in gay porn, was recently sentenced to 90 days in prison for appearing in several Dink Flamingo "Active Duty" videos. I feel sorry for the poor schmuck, but how dumb can you be if you think the U.S. military won't catch up with you sooner or later? However, I've seen the videos, and I think this soldier definitely needs to be awarded the Purple Helmet for outstanding service.
I got a bit nostalgic when I saw that "Poseidon," a re-make of 1972's adventure of the same name, recently premiered at the Tribeca Film Festival in New York. I loved the original when it came out. Seeing it for the first time through my 12-year-old eyes is a cherished personal film experience. It was also the beginning of the 1970s disaster-film cycle that brought forth other insane ensemble-cast-in-peril classics like "Earthquake" (in fabulous Sensurround) and "The Towering Inferno." Film theorists say "The Poseidon Adventure" and other disaster films of that time are really reflections of a culture in chaos – corrupt government, waging a seemingly endless and unwinnable war, social hypocrisy – that, unfortunately, have resonance again.
But, as "Brokeback Mountain" took the western genre to a new place, I wondered what it would be like to re-invent the disaster film as queer. Imagine what it would be like on the Poseidon, booked for a gay cruise, hitting a tidal wave, capsizing. More screaming queens flying through the air than Cirque du Soleil. The number of survivors would be as few as in the original film as all the stubborn bottoms refused to move and then sink to, well, the bottom. Then, the fate of the cast is put in jeopardy when one of the survivors passes a men's room and can't resist the novelty of cruising the upside down urinals. Harvey Fierstein could play the Shelly Winters role, wearing her original costume, but looking more feminine. And of course, singing "The Morning After," Madonna.
In closing, I want to address the headline for this column. I want to be like Ann Coulter. I want to get away with saying vile shit in public without any repercussions just like that jerk. Famous for saying that Supreme Court justices should be poisoned if they favor women's choice, or that liberals hate America more than Arab terrorists, Coulter recently had something to add about Hispanics and Latinos marching in California for immigrant rights. At a banquet sponsored by the University of Judaism in Los Angeles, she said, "It was fascinating being here for the demonstrations this weekend. I guess that's why I didn't get clean towels in my hotel room this morning… I haven't seen so many agitated Mexicans since the World Soccer Cup games were in L.A."
A guy like me has no business ragging on someone for speaking their mind, but if I said the things Coulter said about conservative sacred cows I'd be getting a visit from the FBI to go along with my phone taps. However, I'm going to flirt with danger and close this column by not only saying what I did in my headline, but also adding: Bugger babies. Piss on Ronald Reagan's grave. Barbara and Laura Bush are douche bags. The Pope should be gutted and spit roasted.
Oh, relax conservatives; it's just a joke!
