Parting Glances: Dogs, cats, rats’ winkies

By |2018-01-16T04:48:40-05:00July 6th, 2006|Opinions|

A $10.5 million, GOP-funded study undertaken by the Institute for the Regionalization and Redistricting of Dogs, Cats, Kittens & Pups sheds new – and controversial – light on how we humans treat our wagtail friends.
The Good Ol’ Pets study, conducted over five conscientious years without objection, and six contentious days without consensus, finds that “persons of rainbow persuasion make the best dog owners, but have no role modeling influence on cats – although this should not be viewed as homo [or hydro] phobia directed toward America’s feline population.”
The study claims that “dogs owned by gay males are happier, better mannered, more likely to [high] heel and fetch than dogs reared by breeders [straights]. These dogs generally shed less during summer and do their sniffing and hydrant marking in a casual but enticing manner – unless encountering a viable canine subject [or owner’s leg] out leashing.”
Interesting, too, is the finding that “all breeds, with the exceptions of pekinese, chihuahuas, and dachshunds, show competitive sporting instincts – catching Frisbees, treeing squirrels, chasing unmarked police cars – when raised by urban lesbians registering on a demographic scale of PARTYING DOWN 21 to U-HAUL SUBDUED 39.
“Rottweilers, when dyke trained, tend to be a fanatic, one-owner breed. They also sit well on Harley’s. Lipstick lesbians prefer well-groomed lap pets and in more intimate surroundings a well-trimmed, short-haired, frisky bichon frise.”
Breeds raised by gay men “rarely snarl – or, if they snarl, do so in cultivated – but exemplary deep throated – tones. They [the dogs] are also less likely to eat carryout left overs. They also show a preference for gentrified dog houses that are painted in bright earth colors, edged with lavender lattice work.
“Collar choices are rhinestones; though studs and spikes are popular with the pit bull barbell set.”
A disappointment – understandable from a sociological perspective – is found with ever-finicky cat populations. To wit: cats raised by LGBTs are just as likely to be as independent as cats raised by straights. “The truth is,” the study sagely observes, “cats just don’t give a rat’s winkie if you’re straight, gay, bi or just pussy questioning. If you feed them [the cats!] on time they couldn’t care less.”
There is a footnote of alarm. For reasons unknown strays seem to lose most of their nine lives when kept by in-power affiliated masters. [Log Cabin Republicans] This applies whether ‘fixed’ or ‘unfixed.’ [The strays, not the affiliates.]
Not everyone’s pleased. In The Family Way (ITFW) – a right-wing organization representing 63-million ferret and pre-op skunk owners – headquartered in Fragrant Bush, Mont., expresses “moral outrage” over the GOP-sponsored study in its monthly newsletter, The Litter Box. [Edit: Letter Box]
“The gay agenda stops at nothing,” whines the editorial. “Not only do gays want special rights – the right of dog and cat owners to marry each other and to adopt non-dander allergenic children – now they want to cuddle, pet, stroke, hug and fondle, as same-sex-sniffing household pets, Christian America’s inarticulate – and as yet church uncollared – majority: puppies and kittens.”
The diatribe indulges in half-truths: “Gay men tint poodles to flaunt society.” “Rainbow doggy scarves, leather cat harnesses, rubber play toys will bring America poop-scooping to its knees.” “Dog shows are gay grounds for crossbreeding.” “Would you want a leader dog for the blind trained by a drag queen?”
The editorial concludes with the usual sit-up-and-beg-for-money in the name of America’s cultural war: “to save God’s four-footed creatures from secular pampering, non-procreative knee-humping, and unmitigated, undiapered, public park hounding.”
Two arfs (and a ho-hum — yawn — meow!)

About the Author:

Charles Alexander