Cell phone conversation between a “cafeteria” queen and a “slut hut” boytoy, recorded word for word by a “wrinkle room” writer. Namely yours truly. (My wrinkles have wrinkles.)
QUEEN: “Well, girlfriend, for a Stepford fag, SHE may be bunker-shy, but for a non-dairy creamer SHE’s been known to make a milk run or two on occasion.”
BOYTOY: “You got that right, Mary! I hear SHE got caught skeet shooting on some Karma Miranda, unwrapped eye candy, at Jacques Pennier, of all places. If you ask me, Miss Thing, our Mister Man’s too, too lord of the flies, especially after doin’ the 420 bit. Maybe HE needs a nelliectomy.
QUEEN: “But, hey! If SHE wants to give me a zshooshy facial or a little fun-lovin’ helicoptering I won’t complain, pigboy himbo that I be.”
The above bit of camp-zero dish-and-do-me-beadwork has been alphabetically scooped and waffle-coned from “Gay-2-Zee: A Dictionary of Sex, Subtext, and the Sublime,” by designer, illustrator, and author Donald F. Reuter (St. Martin’s Griffin; 2006; $16.95).
Reuter, who spent ten years in fashion design (and looks it), and whose whimsical illustrations highlight “Gay-2-Zee,” has co-authored two New York Times bestsellers, “Making Faces” and “Face Forward” with the late makeup artist Kevyn Aucoin.
If gay words are your summer reading stock in “trade,” or if you like to play “spit toast” with “mangina” antonyms and “spray tonsils” synonyms, this compendium just might be your “minty” cup of tea, as in “tea room” and/or “teabagging.” (PS: I like mine Oolong.)
Sorry, lesbians, dykes, tribades, “hasbians,” “knishkebobbers” and “bumper stickers.” Don’t have a “hissy fit.” “Gay-2-Zee” is devoted pretty much to the lexicon of male oral confectors who like to conversationally “glaze the doughnut” when “fly fishing” or “bumping and twirling” in public, private places, and, more often than not, at the free-floating “French embassy.”
Not that gayspeak hasn’t been done to a T (as in “tag hag”). It has on many occasions – humorously, clinically, and scholarly. Reuter’s 25-item bibliography lists three standard gay slang references: “The Guild Dictionary of Homosexual Terms” (1965), “The Queen’s Vernacular: A Gay Lexicon” (1977), and “Word’s Out: Gay Men’s English” (1999).
If you’re a Fourth of July “futzer” (“One who spends valuable time on silly things”) it might be helpful – if you’re bored or unlucky at the beach – to memorize the following categories under “fruit,” as in: cake, cup, fly, juice, loop, picker, salad, stand, bruised, canned, crushed, forbidden, fresh overripe, stewed, passion. Oh, yes: wax (“A queer that doesn’t want to be bothered.”)
So, Bruce and/or Blanche, why indeed be bothered? Good question. Try this on for size (you size queen, you) before you plunk down your hard-on, er, hard-earned money for this 236-page, gay coffee table slangarama, with foofy, ho-hummer overview.
The back cover blurb asks, “If you’ve ever wondered about the origins of the gay meaning of the word ‘pansy,’ the slang term ‘twink(ie)’ or the phrase ‘Mary, don’t ask,’ then girlfriend, you’re in luck. Covering the gamut of gayspeak with an irreverent point of view, ‘Gay-2-Zee’ is an indispensable guide to gay vernacular past and present.”
Now take a well-lubed tip from a bingo-beach tailgater (albeit over the hill): No self-respecting Bambisexual should be without this book. Rating: Two ayugas and a cold-nosed 66 for starters.