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2008 with Jerry & St. Pete

by Sister Serena Scatterpin, RSM

When Rev. Jerry Falwell entered heaven, 2008, planet earth was suddenly 300 pounds lighter, though few at Weight Watchers or Manpower Gyms of America took any particular notice.
Jerry was a big, big guy – surprising for a preacher, since gluttony's one of the Seven Deadly Sins – with a very small, er, outlook on things. Founder of the Moral Majority (a misnomer twice over), he was last heard bad mouthing gays, lesbians, feminists for 9/11.
If that isn't straight and narrow minded – not to mention Christian Broadcast Network stupid – what, Land O' Goshen, in heaven's name is?
Jerry was met at the Pearly Gates by trim old St. Peter (appropriately named to meet those obsessed with the so-called Gay Agenda) who asked him out of the Wilde blue yonder, "Jerry: what in hell is it with you fundygelicals that you're so gung-ho on gay bashing? Have you never heard of John the Beloved Disciple, or David's love for Jonathan? Or Ruth's for Naomi? Just asking."
"Well, Your Grace," replied Jerry, sweating a bit from excess poundage, girth and mirth about the loins, too swift an aerodynamic, banana-peel whoosh up to the threshold of the Streets of Gold.
"My B-I-B-L-E says the whole gay kiss and caboodle's an abomination. And, if honest truth be told – and I think I can be frank as preacher to a Peter – the cultural war against gays brings money into our tax-exempt ministry coffers.
"It keeps our followers distracted from serious problems like our environmental mess, the danger of internet porn for too curious Christians, Mormons running for president, dwindling Sunday donations, Focus on the Family layoffs, and kids staying away in droves from church."
"Did it ever occur to you, Jerry, that just maybe one or two big-name hypocrites are part of the problem? I think you'll agree that 'Teddy Boy' Haggard and Sen. Larry 'Wide-Stance' Craig are two bad examples from Anno Domino 2008. What sayest thou, my windy friend?"
"It depends how you look at it, Your Whole Gloryness. If you're going to speak out against an abomination you've got to have some credible knowledge and believable experience with Satan's minions, something more than watching outdated films of San Francisco queens cavorting nude at Gay Pride Parades. Sociologists call it 'participant observation.' Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Clinically speaking, that is.
"I don't think it's really so sinful, St, Peter, unless of course it gets out of hand. Somebody's got to do the spiritual dirty work so they can say, 'Been there, done that. Really love the sinner, so I sampled his sin. It's called Christian lip service. I'll give both Teddy and Larry credit for trying."
"Oh, by the way, Rev. Fallible, er, excuse thou me, Rev. Falwell, one of our swiftest Archangels – of which the majority are transgendered – just handed me a note for you. It's from King David, who had 700 wives and a number concubines in his day (most of whom are with him on Cloud #9). If I translate his Yiddish correctly, King David wants to know why same-sex marriage, er, petered out in California in 2008. What's your take, Jerry?"
"It failed because Jehovah's people raised millions of honest-to-God Christian dollars to defeat the so-called same-sex marriage proposition. (And God knows gays and lesbians like to proposition, unless they're too busy doing drag shows, working out at the gym, or playing sandlot baseball or 18-hole dyke golf.)
"It's a matter of urgent priority. You can always spend money to feed and clothe the poor – and I remind thou: 'the poor are with you always' – but you've got to nip the gay wedlock thing in buttocks, so to speak, before, it too gets out of hand.
"And let me add: the Mormons may not be true Christians – and they may have practiced polygamy years and years ago (their outbackers still do) but – praise the Lord and pass the ammunition – they raised $20 million to fight gay marriage, and faster than you can say Joseph Smith, Jr. polished the Golden Plates. By the way, St. Peter Bro, are they somewhere up here? Can I have a quick peek?"
"OK, Jerry, buddy: Listen up! There are no quickies this go around. Get this straight on. Peter to poacher, er, preacher. Before we can squeeze you past the Pearly Gates, you've got to shed a couple hundred pounds. You know the bit about gluttony. It's not angelic. So, here's the bottom line, and, Lake O' Fireball, I do mean the very bottom. No between the lines about it.
"We're going to send you for a little sauna stint. Let's say a year's worth for each pound. When that's over, we'll talk turkey, or, in your case, honey baked ham. (Just kidding.) Here's a towel. His and hers. Or, saints preserve us, his and his. Courtesy of King David & Company. Take the down escalator. It's on the far right just past the Men's Room. Don't dawdle. Amen and Hallelujah!"

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