After Thwarted Kidnapping Plans, Whitmer Calls for Unity

Gov. Gretchen Whitmer addressed the State of Michigan after a plan to kidnap her and other Michigan government officials was thwarted by state and federal law enforcement agencies. She started by saying thank you to law enforcement and FBI agents who participated in stopping this [...]


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Parting Glances: Scatterpin peddles pinups

By |2018-01-16T14:12:58-05:00October 12th, 2006|Opinions|

As October pokes her golden-tinted head into the revolving door of life’s pricey Four Seasons Hotel, nearby department stores will display Xmas teasers. Bookstores – doing their best to promote goodwill to men, a little peace on earth – will sell studmuffin calendars 2007.
This year I mailed 250 “Wolverine Firefighter ’06” calendars as gifts to Recovering Catholic readers (not one took hosing-down umbrage). I Fed-Ex’d another 67 “Pert Blond Bombshells in Temp Positions” to regrouping clerics. (One return, hand-scribbled COD: Career Options Depressing.)
My dear friend Sr. Serena Scatterpin, Renegade Sisters of Mary, is going door to door in Ferndale, Royal Oak, Ann Arbor – traditional areas for RCs, Avenging Anglicans, Jack Mormons – selling hot-off-the-press calendars: “Nuns with Great Habits ’07,” and “Priests Who Party with the Boys, MMVII”.
Love offerings from calendars sold defray costs for bringing the Creating Change Conference to Vatican City 2010 and, hopefully, for soliciting members of the Swiss Guard as polyglottal, off-duty tour guides and/or escorts. (Plan B: Hamtramck, with monosyllabic Knights of Pythias.)
Sr. Scatterpin won’t be wearing her DKNY wash-and-wear wimple while knocking about – too close to Halloween. But she’ll not take offense if asked to show ID. A discreet Pax Vobiscum tattoo on her lily-of-the-valley-white, right clavicle convinces most inquiring householders (many of whom gladly invite her in for pot luck, prayers, and penny ante poker).
“I shan’t be wearing my designer trademark habit while doing this important charity,” admits the good Sister. “But nonetheless I’ll be impeccably stylish in my autumn-themed, cocoa butter-colored, faux-mink-trimmed, velcro-contour-ajustable, casual pantsuit by Yves St. Lowrent, Ltd., Palms Springs. Very ecumenically Euro chic. Metrosexually PC.”
As Sister’s been around the ol’ block a few times in many of the better neighborhoods (and has done heavy-duty beadwork for FANS of Ferndale – thereby increasing property values), I wonder aloud if she’d share some experiences, should I chose to peddle my largess (small tho’ it be, if somewhat avuncular) condo by condo, parking structure by parking structure.
“My most memorable experience?” she giggles. “The Ann Arbor twosome who bought a baker’s dozen MMVII calendars for several on-leave, ex-seminarians. Couldn’t have been nicer. Gave me a tour of their modest home. Tons of antiques. Handmade quilts. Toby jugs. AND! the basement rec room – QUELLE SURPRISE! for two Amway accountants – very chrome-and-leather After Hours Torquemada. It’s comforting to know (apart from Washington DC) that the Inquisition’s alive and well, even if only let’s pretend.”
Intrigued (and planning to get drawn and quartered this Halloween) I flip through “Great Habits ’07,” for ideas for my own self-flagellation, sackcloth-and-ashes drag, as Sister rambles on.
“The most flattering thing that’s happened to me happened in Royal Oak, always hospitable to bikers, Goths, soccer moms, and decorous nuns. This guy drives around the block several times too many, rolls down his blue Hummer window and honks. ‘I hate to bother you, mam’. But where did you get that stunning Euro chic outfit you’re wearing?’
“He bought five calendars, kissed my faux-mink encircled wrist, jotted down my measurements, genuflected, and gave me his card: Ned the Naughty Nail Technician. I’ve an appointment Tuesday next.”
“Any advice for PG readers who might want to follow in your footsteps [size 7 AAA] by peddling their own attractive, fund-raising goodies?” I ask (as ever, user friendly).
“Well, for starters, my child. Forget the high heels bit. Wear color-coordinated flats. Lip gloss before knocking. If tenant’s gay, a quickie Hail Mary helps. Look available – but ever-virginal. And never take checks or no for an answer.”

About the Author:

BTL Staff
Between The Lines has been publishing LGBTQ-related content in Southeast Michigan since the early '90s. This year marks the publication's 27th anniversary.