Online Exclusive: Cut and run

It is a common misperception that all poets are crazy. They aren't. But woe unto the child whose mother wants to be Anne Sexton.
Of course, that's the least of Augusten Burroughs's problems. Having a mom who is a little eccentric is one thing. Having a mom who is psychotic and who sends you away to live with her shrink – who is quite possibly more psychotic than she is – and his crazy family is quite another.
In his best-selling 2002 memoir "Running With Scissors," Burroughs recounts his too-weird-to-possibly-be-made-up 70s era childhood with expert comic timing and a keen eye for detail. And while the book is often quite funny, it is also often terribly disturbing. But no matter how weird things get, readers stay with Burroughs for the ride. He's a believable narrator. In less skilled hands the book could have easily descended into simple caricature or overwrought sentimentality.
Sadly, this is exactly the trap director Ryan Murphy ("Nip/Tuck") falls into when bringing "Running With Scissors" to the big screen. Murphy, who also penned the screenplay based (sometimes too loosely) on Burroughs's book, uses such a heavy-handed approach that even a first rate cast can't save this film from feeling like a sharp poke in the eye.
"I guess it doesn't matter where I begin," Augusten (Joseph Cross) says as the movie begins. "No one is going to believe me anyway."
And it's true. The film adaptation of Burroughs's book manages to squelch every conceivable ounce of believability out of this supposedly true story.
Sure, the film is filled with larger-than-life characters who fit into every possibly category of "crazy" you can think of. The crown jewel is Annette Bening as Deirdre Burroughs, Augusten's mom. Unfortunately, while her portrayal as a narcissistic Valium-junkie is utterly convincing, it also has no off-switch. There's no nuance. And spending nearly two hours with her is more exhausting than entertaining.
Of course, Deirdre isn't the only prisoner in this asylum masquerading as a film. There's Dr. Finch (Brian Cox), her poo-obsessed therapist who hands out pharmaceuticals like candy. There's Agnes (Jill Clayburgh), Dr. Finch's haggard wife who munches dog kibble while watching TV. There's Bookman (Joseph Fiennes), the schizophrenic pedophile who becomes Augusten's first lover. There's Natalie (Evan Rachel Wood) and Hope (Gwyneth Paltrow), the Finch daughters who are in constant competition to be their crazy father's favorite. Then there's … Oh, who cares? Because that's how you start to feel about these one-dimensional characters before long.
The humanizing of these otherwise zany folks that Burroughs manages in his book is completely missing from this film. What is left is a vague impression of who these people are and what led them to be the people we're seeing.
In the middle of it all is Augusten who is played with what seems like detached bemusement by Joseph Cross. The fact that he is not rendered invisible in his scenes with Bening is perhaps the most that can be said of his performance. In his defense, however, I think the limitation here lies with the film, not the actor.
"Running With Scissors" is as scattered as its characters. It doesn't seem to know what kind of movie it wants to be, alternating roughly between comedy and drama. I lost track of the number of scenes in which someone is crying hysterically. Or the number of slow-motion sequences to … make …. sure ….. you …… really ……. get …….. it. Or the scenes in which the 70s pop rock soundtrack is used to move things along because actual acting or directing doesn't.
Though the film's lead character bears his name, what's missing is Burroughs's biting wit and candor. There is nothing "edgy" here. Sure, the story is weird and wild and crazy, but in a softer, gentler way. This is especially evident in the film's Lifetime Network-esque portrayal of Augusten's relationship with Agnes. It's as if Burroughs's book was rewritten by Disney and then laced with LSD in order to render the material "safe" yet "far out."
In the end, running with actual scissors, complete with the risk that you'll poke your eye out, is a lot more entertaining than "Running With Scissors" the movie. But seriously kids: point down. It's all fun and games until … well, you know.