Q: I have a boy friend Judd, we are both in our late 20s. He and I have been together six months. I love him dearly, he is everything I always wanted in a man and more. He is a good provider, I don't currently have a job because I am concentrating on my art and Judd makes enough that I don't have to worry about money for once in my life. I have never had the time just to be an artist before. He is a great lover, kind considerate and always makes sure we are both fulfilled. He sends me flowers when I am not expecting it. He recently hired a housekeeper and gardener so I can just concentrate on my creativity. We have lots of friends and agree for the most part on what to do in our spare time. After this I am sure you must be wondering how I could complain about anything. Well the one thing that is wrong is that I have a little dog, Spike, a Chihuahua, and he hates animals. I try to keep Spike away from him but it's hard to do because Spike seems to like Judd. The other day I walked in the room unexpectedly and Judd had just kicked Spike across the room. I had suspected he was being physical with Spike before but this time I saw it with my own eyes. Spike got up and wasn't hurt but he could have been. Up until now I think Judd just yelled at Spike. Now I am afraid it may be more. What do I do to keep my little dog safe and still keep my relationship?
Don't kick the dog
A: First of all I would be careful around anyone that is unkind to animals. To me it shows and attitude of superiority; as if they are above other life forms. Also it they will lose their temper and kick a defenseless animal will they do the same with people? If you decide to stay with Judd after this, I would find a new loving home for Spike. Spike deserves to be treated kindly and be in a safe environment.
Older life mate not interested in sex
Q: I'm writing in hopes of gaining a new insight into a problem I have.
My Life-Mate (call him "Frank") and I have been together for a very long time (we just celebrated our 25th) and I love him very deeply; I am not contemplating leaving. Our relationship is wonderful in most ways…
The two of us owned a small business, that was quite successful, and I was also a moderately successful Realtor.
There is about a 24-year difference in our ages, I am the younger and am in fairly good health. Frank has been ill for almost six years now; he had a quintuple bi-pass and as a result he had a number of strokes. He has recovered remarkably well, returning to 90 percent of his pre-stroke mental abilities. During this time I stopped working to stay home and care for him, working only a couple of hours per week, on occasion. After he had recovered enough to be left alone, I went back to work. I took a job that paid considerably less then I/we had been making before his heart surgery.
Two years after the initial surgery and a few months after I returned to work, he slipped on the ice outside our home and broke his right hip and shoulder, necessitating another long recovery after the hip replacement. Again I ceased working to care for him and again when he had recovered sufficiently, I returned to work–at a vastly reduced pay from pre-heart surgery rate. About four months after I returned to work, Frank was out walking with his walker and his other hip broke, due to his advanced arthritis when he fell, he also broke his shoulder. He was taken to hospital and again had hip replacement surgery. Once more, I stopped work to care for him. I am now returning to work and, again, the position I have accepted pays considerably less then we once earned. As I am sure you have guessed, our financial situation is "dire" to say the least, but I will insure that we are OK. I am not writing about money issues.
When we first met, I fell in love with him at first sight and knew that I would spend the rest of my life with him. At the time I was a "Working Girl" and had little interest in sex, he understood and let me have the space I needed to get to a place where I could again enjoy sex with him.
By the end of our first year together, we were going at it at least once a night; I loved it!
Over the years, as he has gotten older, he has progressively become less and less interested in sex. His doctors tell us that he is healthy enough for sexual activity and that with one of the current ED medications, he and I could enjoy sex as often as we want, and boy do I want!
The problem is that Frank has no interest in sexual activity, period. He claims that he is way too old now anyway. Both I and his doctors have told him that that is BS – my Grandfather died at 99, and he was still active, nightly.
I want and need sex, but I feel ssooooo guilty when I go "outside" our relationship to get it. So much so that I have only done so a couple of times and because of the guilt, I end up not being able to perform!
I am getting very tired of using the computer and my hands; I want REAL SEX, with my Life-Mate! He tells me he is sorry, but that is just the way it is when you love an older man. So, my question is: Now What?
Desperate and Deprived
{ITAL A: I'm assuming that you have let Frank know how important sex is to you. If not, that would be a place to start. I realize your financial situation isn't good, but if you have health insurance you should be able to get counseling with Frank, if talking to him by yourself doesn't work. I'm also wondering if Frank has some concerns about taking the ED medication, and have those concerns been addressed.
You have indicated that leaving him is not an option, but is getting his blessing on your having sex outside your relationship an option? Then you wouldn't feel guilty going outside the relationship for your sexual needs.}
Jody Valley spent 12 years as a clinical social worker. She worked with the LGBT community both as a counselor and a workshop leader in the areas of coming out, self-esteem and relationship issues. The "Dear Jody" column appears weekly.
