Comedians everywhere should be thanking Britney Shears. Her hairless-head and crotch shots have become zesty jokes that won't soon wither. The comedians performing at Michigan's Lesbian and Gay ComedyFest on March 10 have some advice, chicken noodle soup and a joint for the messed-up matriarch.
Nico Santos
Age: 26
Hometown: San Francisco, Calif.
Other jobs: Jimmy Choo boutique in San Francisco
On Britney Spears
Oh, let's leave that poor girl alone. It's not entertaining to see her like this. She obviously needs help. People need to lay off her and let her get her shit together in peace. Britney, call me anytime gurl. I can come over with some chicken noodle soup, a joint and "Troop Beverly Hills" on DVD. That should do the trick.
On his reason for pursuing comedy.
To get laid, bro! Comedians get hella pussy! Just kidding. You know for the longest time I thought I wanted to be an actor. I was convinced that I was gonna be the next Broadway star. I started out as an acting major in college but things started to change. I felt out of place; I didn't enjoy it. I just knew I wanted to be on stage, but having to memorize lines and being told by the director where to go, how you're gonna dress, and all that actor bullshit of "finding the character," etcetera, was kinda weird to me.
On the Oscars
I'm so glad J-Hud won. I thought it was funny how Beyonce was belting her heart out; it looked like she was gonna pop a vein in her head. And Jennifer Hudson made it look so effortless! You go gurl!
On his most embarrassing moment
I remember smoking a joint in high school because I wanted to fit in. So I was hanging out with these people from choir class and they made me smoke this joint. I didn't really feel anything but, like I said, I wanted to fit in so I started acting like I was really high. I was all, "Whoa this shit is so good! I am so baked right now." They were laughing their asses off. Later that night I found out I had smoked oregano, not weed.
Karen Ripley
Age: See below
Other job: Improv teacher at Oakland University and facilities manager for a school of health education
Hometown: Richmond, Calif. (where the furnace smells like old socks)
On her age
Well, now you got balls boy! I could lie but actually I'm very proud to be 56. (I) didn't think I'd live this long. I earned every one of these wrinkles.
On the first person to tell her she's funny
Probably friends in high school. I was desperate for friends. So I did funny shit all the time.
On Britney Spears
She looks like Bruce Willis.
Carlease Burke
Age: See below
Other jobs: Works in entertainment business
Hometown: Santa Monica, Calif.
On why she became a comedian
Actually, I was an actress first and just took a class in stand-up comedy because everyone else was doing it. I never considered it as a career choice.
On her first comedy gig
At the end of Judy Carter's classes, we had to do five minutes at a comedy club. We invited all our friends and family. There was so much love in the room. After that, it was open mikes and contests in every dive you could imagine. Although I won money sometimes, I think my first paying gig was in a Mexican Restaurant down on Olvera Street in Los Angeles. I discovered I'm much funnier when I'm getting paid!
On her age
Well now that's a little personal don't you think? Let me just say, I don't look my age 'cause black don't crack!
Sabrina Matthews
Age: 42
Hometown: Burbank, Calif.
Other jobs: None
On what she'd be doing if she weren't a comedian
Working at a scuba diving resort somewhere warm and unpronounceable.
On why she became a comedian
I didn't want to, although I had always felt I would achieve some type of notoriety. I just liked telling stories, and my friend Zoe, who had heard me crack up the audience at a talent show, talked me into checking out the open mic at Josie's Cabaret and Juice Joint in San Francisco. So I sort of got into it on a dare.
On the first person to tell her she was funny.
Well, it certainly wasn't my mother.
On Britney Spears
OK, are we really talking about this? I got a call from the Star magazine asking for my take on it, and I gave them a couple of quotes. Like, they wanted to know if I wanted her as a representation of the gay and lesbian community and I said, "The more the merrier." What little they printed of my interview was far from the more interesting things I thought I said, and they printed it with an exclamation point. Anyone who knows me knows if I end a sentence with an exclamation point, it either included a description of a rare, just-observed marine creature or the words, "on fire."
On her most embarrassing moment
I have to pick one?
Michigan's Lesbian and Gay ComedyFest
6 and 9:30 p.m. March 10
Dearborn's Ford Community and Performing Arts Center
www.comedyfest.org
