By Jody Valley
Blooming late in the sun
Q: I have never had a relationship with a woman, but have realized for the last 10 years that I am lesbian. I am a 45-year-old woman. The thing that stops me from having a relationship is that I don’t know how to go about the sexual part. I meet women I am interested in, but I always make excuses when they start getting interested in me. Last month, I was at a party at a friend’s house and a woman who is new in town seemed pretty interested in me; and I am very attracted to her. We have done several things around town, but now I am getting scared because I think she wants more. How do I keep the relationship from going any further? I have tried to always have someone else around when we are together, but she makes excuses to stay late and talk. Sometimes, she calls me for rides or other things that I know she doesn’t really need, I think she just wants to be with me. It’s not that I wouldn’t love to have a relationship with her; it’s just that I don’t know how, and I’m not brave enough to try anything. How do I keep her as a friend and let her know that I am not interested in a relationship?
A: If you truly want to keep her as just a friend, I guess you will just need to tell her that. But, that’s not what I heard you saying in the first part of you letter. From what you have said, I think that you want to have more, but you are afraid of the sexual part of a relationship because it is new to you. If this is true, then, I suggest that you go rent some videos and read sexy lesbian novels. You could also just be open about your concerns with her. Everyone has a first time, and many have had their first time much later than you. Lesbian sex is just like any sex. There is no right way, just enjoy and continue to blossom!
Q: I have been with my partner, “Sylvia,” for seven years. We decided three years ago to have a baby. We have both always wanted to have a family. When we made the decision to have a baby, we decided that I would be the one to get pregnant, quit my job and stay home with the baby, and any other children we might have. I am the more maternal one, and Sylvia has the better job and benefits.
Things are not exactly turning out the way we had planned. The first thing that went wrong was that I couldn’t have a baby. I just couldn’t get pregnant. After a while and lots of money, we decided to see if Sylvia would do better with getting pregnant. She did, on the first try, and that was good.
Our plans remained the same, she was going back to work and I would be quitting my job. At least that was the plan. Somehow, things have changed with Sylvia just after she had the baby–which was a week ago. She didn’t say anything at first when she was in the hospital, but soon she came up with the idea that she would stay home with the baby and that I would be the working partner. She talked about how money wasn’t that important and my benefits would be good enough.
I was just flabbergasted. I don’t know what to say. Luckily, I didn’t quit my job, but I feel so disappointed. I was so looking forward to being with the baby. It feels like Sylvia has stolen my role! I mean, she had the baby, so I guess there is nothing I can say, but I am so disappointed. Sylva was so into her job and not wanting to be the stay-at-home mother, do you have any clues as to what happened here?
A: What probably happened to her is that she gave birth and all instinctual stuff came out with the baby. You don’t say how much you two have talked about this. It seems to me that you need to tell her how you feel while honoring her new feelings. Are there other options, say where you both work on reduced schedules and both have times of caring for the baby? It is important that you both talk about his issue and not just bury it in your relationship; it will come back up to haunt you both.