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Dear Jody: When children mimic, Plus a picky guy

Child wants to mimic mother's lesbian lifestyle

Q: My daughter, Loren, is 7 years old and in second grade. Up until now I have never had any negative calls from the teacher or the school. In fact, she has been an exemplary student both behavior wise and academically. Last week Loren's teacher called and said that she had complaints from several parents because Loren was going around telling the kids in her class that she is a lesbian and looking for a girlfriend, not a boyfriend. When her teacher questioned her about this, she said she thought this was the best way to be because then you didn't have to be around "yucky" boys and that she thought that I wanted her to be just like me – a lesbian.
I have always been very open about my sexual orientation with Loren. She often knows who I am dating, and sometimes we all do things together. I have never inferred or even thought much about what Loren's sexual orientation will be. I just want to leave all possibilities open so Loren can decide for herself, without society influencing her choices. Her teacher wants her to stop talking about being a lesbian and telling the kids she wants a girlfriend. I feel that if I tell her to stop saying she's a lesbian and that she wants a girlfriend, I am saying the whole thing is wrong. How can it be wrong for her and right for me? Right now I feel so angry and confused I don't know if I am right or wrong about this. What do you think I should tell Loren and/or her teacher?
Confused Mom

A: My way of handling these confusing dilemmas is to flip the situation and try it out in a heterosexual context: Would anyone have a problem if she were saying she was straight and was looking for a boyfriend? I would guess not. Therefore, I would explain to the teacher that it would be heterosexist – and maybe homophobic as well – to bring this up or make an issue out of her looking for a girlfriend.
As far as Loren is concerned, at some point, I would talk with Loren about her not really knowing yet whether she is lesbian, since she seems to be saying this to please you, not from any "knowing" on her part. Let her know that she has a lot of time to figure out what she is regarding her sexual orientation, and that, either way, she is beautiful and loved by you.

{QUOTE OUT Well, I know that I like my men to be over 6-feet tall, very buff body, extremely handsome, good job, money, blah, blah, blah. Samuel didn't pass the first three requirements, so why would I talk to him?}

Picky person not interested in boss' neighbor

Q: My boss is very gay-friendly. I'm very grateful about that. But he hears me say that I can't find the right guy, so he has this gay neighbor whom he thinks I would really love. So unbeknownst to me, he invites me, as well as other employees to a "pre-summer" barbecue, along with this gay neighbor. Since all the other folks were paired up with employees, I figured that this was a set-up for me and this gay neighbor.
The problem is that this guy, whom I was supposed to be coupled with, is not my type at all. I didn't even talk to him all the time I was there. I wasn't interested in him. My boss doesn't know whom I would be attracted to, and Samuel is definitely not my type. I was telling this to a fellow employee later the next day, and the employee said, "How would I know that if I never even talked with Samuel?"
Well, I know that I like my men to be over 6-feet tall, very buff body, extremely handsome, good job, money, blah, blah, blah. Samuel didn't pass the first three requirements, so why would I talk to him? To make things worse, my boss wants to set us up since Samuel said that he would like to go out with me after seeing me. What do I do now? He's my boss and I don't want to offend him.
Horrified

A: I'm sorry that I'm having a hard time feeling very sorry for you, and not feeling real invested in helping you with this problem. Perhaps you can muster up some integrity to tell your boss that you are not interested in Samuel, thereby sparing Samuel anymore time thinking about you.

Have a problem? Send your letters to: "Dear Jody," C/O Between the Lines, 20793 Farmington Road, Suite 25, Farmington, MI 48336. Or, e-mail: [email protected]

(Jody Valley spent 12 years as a clinical social worker. She worked with the LGBT community both as a counselor and a workshop leader in the areas of coming out, self-esteem and relationship issues. The "Dear Jody" column appears weekly. )

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