By R.J. Beaumia
Even when they're greased up and naked with a boner while lying on a massage table, Republican men are still champions of laissez-faire economics.
Deputy Secretary of State Randall L. Tobias abruptly resigned his post recently for "personal reasons," which, when translated from its Washington political patois, means that he got caught with some hooker's finger up his butt searching for that walnut of ecstasy.
Tobias admitted to ABC News that he had hired "masseuses" from the Pamela Martin and Associates escort service when questioned about his connection to a prostitution investigation. Apparently, unlike the ones at Wal-Mart, Pamela Martin's associates don't have to step out to fix the frozen Coke machine while they're serving you, and are very well paid. Tobias said that he called the Martin service "to have gals come over to the condo to give me a massage," but that he recently began using a service "with Central Americans." He denies having sex with the escorts.
Understandably, fellow Republicans are worried: What if some of those Central American women are illegal aliens?! Undoubtedly, Karl Rove will spin it that Tobias hired the foreign "gals" because they are willing to do work that Americans don't want to do, which, of course, is great for American business and ultimately for the American people, who will spend lots of money on discount blow jobs, thereby stimulating the economy and their prostates.
The only thing that threatens our American way of life more than over-paid union workers is the group of greedy crack whores that keeps us from being able to compete in the new global economy.
Business aside, the fact that the married Tobias was getting knob-gobbles from prostitutes is no big deal because as we all know Jesus is running the country now and Jesus loves the GOP and Jesus forgives the GOP because they're always truly sorry for their sins. And how will Jean Palfrey, the proprietor of Pamela Martin, fare? She, of course, is under investigation and all her assets have been seized.
As the fundamentalist Christians like to say, "Hate the cocksucker, love the blowjob."
Palfrey, like all organized madams, has a little black book, the contents of which she's going to divulge bit by bit. She has implied that there are many prominent men's names and numbers in that book, and it's safe to assume that a good number of our elected defenders of liberty – of all party persuasions – are scurrying around Washington sweating like rancid pork.
I must say that the Republicans are resigning instead of claiming innocence and holding onto a lost cause, at least in this case. We should be grateful to them for sparing us the expense of long public trials, like the one Bill Clinton went through in the Monica Lewinsky scandal. While his blowjob cost the American taxpayer $52 million in government time and legal work, the Republicans get off – as it were – for free, passing the savings on to us.
Andrew Sullivan, don't lose heart; your party of fiscal responsibility is back!
Relenting with the snarky comments for a minute, the fact that Tobias hired prostitutes really distracts the public from the meta-scandal, which is that before he was deputy secretary he was the ambassador for the President's Emergency Fund for AIDS Relief.
Prior to being appointed by George Bush in 2003, Tobias had at various times held several very high profile jobs in the public sector, one of which was C.E.O. of Eli Lilly, the giant pharmaceutical company. Before Tobias' confirmation, the New York Times ran one of its early Bush era puff pieces – trying to pass off as news what was really Republican spin – about Tobias and what he would do as Bush's "AIDS czar."
In the name of "balance," the Times inserted a few small or partial quotes from "activists" (one who was charmingly described in the story as being part of a "Nader-linked group pushing for cheaper drugs") who said they didn't have any information on Tobias, and left it at that. The rest of the article was replete with hosannas from former associates, about how much Tobias was loved as a kind, upstanding guy in the corporate world, that he was a just a mensch who happened to increase Eli Lilly's market value by 440 percent in five years.
One former associate told the Times, "As the activists come to know him, a year from now, they'll say 'We were wrong to be concerned.'" Another said that despite his solid Republican bona fides, he would prove to be a compassionate conservative when it came to AIDS, likening his future moves to Nixon's detente overtures to China during the Cold War.
Tobias' legacy: A cartel of pharmaceutical companies is currently suing the government of South Africa to block the implementation of a law that would permit the country to import or manufacture cheaper AIDS drugs. This is in a country where daily deaths from AIDS are estimated at 900.
Also in South Africa, around 1,000 new AIDS infections occur every day. Did Tobias have any influence in his capacity as Bush's AIDS czar to have prevented this catastrophic number? Back before his appointment in 2003, you would have believed so.
When the New York Times asked one of Tobias' former colleagues if he would push an abstinence-first agenda, the colleague said, "Oh no, that doesn't sound like Randy. He's not from the religious right." But by 2004, a year into his appointment, Tobias said in an interview that his approach to AIDS prevention was "A and B and C… Abstinence works. 'Be faithful' works. Condoms work. They all have a role. But it's not multiple choice, where there's only one answer." In other words, keep your dick in your pants at all costs.
Too bad Tobias couldn't follow his own advice. Did he wrap his own little bishop when he pushed him into the sacristy? Only a Guatemalan sex worker knows for sure.
The hypocrisy of the American right is limitless. Their sick attitude toward sex seems to get them thrust into the public arena at least once every few months. From Ted Haggard's sucking but not swallowing defense, to Newt Gingrich's cheating on his second wife while he was helping prosecute Bill Clinton in the Lewinsky scandal, these people are so shameless that no satirist ever born could top the right's penchant for self-parody.
Yes, there could very well be some Democrats exposed when Jeane Palfrey tells it all. But I'm not going to judge them for their sexual proclivities. While they will be guilty of breaking laws they swore to uphold when they hired prostitutes – and for that they should be prosecuted – I'm not going to care about it as much as the Republican who denies human beings the right to love the person they choose and takes away their health care for one last sadistic twist of the knife.
Randall Tobias will be okay, but his legacy will live on in suffering and death for years to come. He'll be quietly farmed out to some right wing think tank where he can make millions as a consultant, proving that old whore mongers never die, they just come in your face and walk away.
