Woman wants mother's approval of abusive girlfriend
Q: I can't believe my mother. I thought that she was on my side in life, but apparently NOT! And now I'm really confused. You see, my mom and dad were pretty cool when I came out as lesbian last year. I have a gay uncle so it wasn't like being gay was a really bad thing, at least they didn't act mean about my Uncle Bob, and as I said, no big deal when I came out.
But now my mother has changed her tune with me. She hates my girlfriend, "Ella," because Ella got upset with me and now I have a few bruises. Before you think Ella is a horrible person, let me explain. Ella has to sometimes work at night, so I often go out on that night. I just go out with friends and don't get into any kind of trouble.
A couple of weeks ago when I went out without Ella, she had gotten off work early and found me in a bar. I happened to be dancing with a woman other than one of my friends. It was a slow dance, so of course we were dancing close, and I don't mean like sexy-close, just close as in slow dancing.
However, Ella didn't see it that way, she saw it as I was slow dancing so I could take this woman home and have sex with her. It was just a misunderstanding of my intentions. But, Ella got so worked up thinking she was going to lose me, I guess, that she ended up giving me a few bruises when we got home, after dragging me out of the bar.
I know that Ella really loves me. She has apologized and said that it was just because of her love and not wanting to lose me. She hit me one other time and was sorry, too. That's all there is to it. Ella even bought me a beautiful necklace after all this happened. My mother is using this to attack Ella, but I think that my mother is really upset that I have turned out gay. The reason I say this is because Ella has apologized and I have told her this.
My mother also brings up the fact that Ella was put in jail once for fighting with her sister. Ella told me about that fight. During that fight, her sister fell and hit her head, and of course had a few bruises from the fight, but so did Ella. Ella doesn't need to apologize to me about that.
My mother is not an unforgiving person, so why is she now not forgiving Ella? She forgave my brother for missing a stop sign and totaling his car. She forgave my sister for getting pregnant and not being married or even in a relationship. She forgave my other sister for dropping out of college to marry her boyfriend, who was going into the army and was being transferred to another state. So, where's the forgiveness for Ella? I can only conclude that mom is anti-gay and just didn't show her homophobia around Uncle Bob, maybe because he was my father's brother and she wasn't that close to him, and she didn't want to make my dad mad.
So, now I know her real feelings about my sexuality and I feel horrible about it. Jody, I know that you can't make my mother non-homophobic, but I need someone to tell just to get it all off my chest. Thanks for reading this.
In Pain
A: You are right, I can't change a homophobic person, but I'm not at all convinced that homophobia is the problem with your mother. The problem is, as I see it, that you don't want to see Ella as an abusive person, so you see your mom as homophobic – and unforgiving in the case of Ella. Because Ella brings you a gift after her abusive episode, only confirms her abusive pattern; that's what abusive people do, they bring gifts or do something nice after abuse. Your mother hasn't rejected your sexuality; she's rejecting your abusive partner. I hope you will seek some counseling. I will send you some resources for your area. Please take care of yourself.
Have a problem? Send your letters to: "Dear Jody," C/O Between the Lines, 20793 Farmington Road, Suite 25, Farmington, MI 48336. Or, e-mail: [email protected]
