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Parting Glances: Too late, Mary! (er, Larry)

It's probably no consolation to Sen. Larry Craig, but he's not the first political power broker to be caught playing happy tap in a men's loo. Back in the 60s, Walter Jenkins, presidential aide to President Johnson, got similar comeuppance in a Washington YMCA.
Had Sen. Larry not been closeted (in the stall) and therefore out of the loop-the-poop, he'd have known that there's surefire, time-honored protocol to Morse coding for solicitation of a neighboring cubicle occupant.
It's just common Western Union – or Michigan Union, for that matter – courtesy.
Had he just asked any Log Cabin Republican could have filled him in on specifics and saved the 62-year-old, "I'm not gay" novice cruiser an unscheduled court appearance, $575 fine, a year's unchaperoned probation, and national/ international media coverage of a three-term career being flushed down the Old Thomas Crapper.
While it's been years and years since I've employed my restroom dot-and-dash skills to social and libidinous advantage, it might be helpful to other enterprising, albeit closeted, politicians to set forth the Happy Tap Ground Rules (with Schematics for In-House, Out-House Telegraphing).
But first a similar entrapment story — with a positive outcome — about Louisiana Attorney General Jim Garrison who, in the late 60s, was about to blow the lid off the President Kennedy assassination plot. Garrison was sitting in an airport restroom stall reading his briefs — legal, to be sure — when a guy next to him tapped out the proverbial SOS: "seeking oratorical sex". Garrison, sensing a trap, zipped up and fled. He later recognized the vice cop.
First the schematic (lay of the land)…
For purposes of sight-unseen communication all stalls are divided into three parts. The area closest to the stall door indicates TOP. The area farthest from it indicates BOTTOM. The middle section: DECISIONS! DECISIONS!. (Failure to observe these parameters leads to confusion of intent and awkwardness of anticipated positioning in the 3' x 5' arena of sexual congress.)
The Get Acquainted Protocol (how's it hangin'?)… As with any first meeting of strangers, an intro is proper and indicates sincerity of intent and the likelihood that the encounter will be memorable and worth repeating in the near or distant future. As the saying goes, Let your fingers do the walking, er, talking. (Before your toes do the tapping.)
Keeping the aforementioned stall schematic in mind, here's the Operative Code. One finger under the front edge indicates Democrat. Two fingers, Republican. Three finger, Independent Switch Hitter. One finger, mid stall section: I'm a Barbra Striesand fan. Two fingers, I like Cher. Three fingers, Elvis sucks.
The area at the stall's back is Information Optional: for use only if you need hormonal incentive that your perspective partner is upwardly mobile and/or financial secure. So, to indicate income, each finger placed in this area indicates $10 thousand of annual income. (NOTE: Using fingers of both hands to indicate income status is tacky, says Ms Manners. As with member size, income should not be exaggerated.)
Mid area is for religious preference. (It's reassuring to know that stall mate attends church. Hopefully a same sex wedding will be the result of your spontaneous conjoined efforts.) One finger: Catholic, but recovering. Two fingers: Baptist, but backsliding. Three: Religion sucks!
Now to the actual tapping. Three short but show-biz taps, front: Do you come here often? Three long but balletic pats, center: You're not into kink, are you? Three long, three short, heel clicks, back stall (may take some acrobatic doing): Are you a cop? One hasty pants-up exit: That sucks!

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Topics: Opinions
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