'The Lair'
Available on DVD now
D-
Imagine getting bit by a vampire. That's how painful it is watching Jesse Cutlip, the chiseled boy-toy of the show's protagonist, try to offer up even a smidgen of actual acting in the campy-corny-not-so-creepy "The Lair."
Each episode of this unintentionally ha-ha-ha horror – or whore? – "Dante's Cove" spin-off begins with Thom (a ho-hum David Moretti), a yummy reporter, stuck behind bars. But why?
Well – who frickin' cares when there's a gaggle of cutie-patootie gay guys canoodling, screwing and showering solo like they're in some cheesy porno. For those inquisitive vampire fanatics, though, here it is: Corpses with grisly bite marks on their necks show up on small island town. Thom plays Nancy Drew at underground sex club. Gets captured by Queen Vampire ("Shortbus" Peeping Tom Peter Sickles). And – uh-oh! – things get ultra-scary when the robotic Cutlip tries to act.
Not much else fares better: There are loose storylines and far-too-unrealistic investigations (seriously – since when did detectives touch rotting bodies without gloves?). And those minimal DVD extras, like bloopers and a back-lot featurette? Good luck getting that far.
Seriously, with acting this dead, the least director Fred Olen Ray could've done was amp up on the badonkadonk shots. Bottom line: Watch "Bram Stoker's Dracula" and a gay porno. At the same time.
