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Dear Jody: My lover acts like he's from Irish mafia

Lover acts like he's from the Irish mafia

Q: I have always wanted to be able to go to Chicago for their pride march. This year I was able to go. I not only had a blast, but I met this guy, "Brian," and we have been communicating and seeing each other when we can. We have met in Saugatuck three times since then and speak on the phone weekly — if not more. The romance has just kept going and going, and when we are together, the sex just keeps flowing and flowing. I'm so in love! Brian is everything that I have ever wanted in a man. He's sooo masculine, and his body is chiseled and bronze. (There must be some other blood in him, though he only claims Irish.) He is 6 foot 3 inches tall with jet black hair and blue eyes.
In case you are beginning to think that I'm just into his body, well, I'm not. He is also so smart and interesting. We can talk for hours. He has an education and a good job.
The only problem I have with Brian is that he is from the South side of Chicago, from an Irish neighborhood. Now, that's not a problem per se, but he talks in a way that seems almost like Eastern almost gangster kind of a way. He has a great heart and is just a teddy bear when you get to know him, but talks like he would "take you out" if you messed with him.
Then, there was last weekend, I went to Chicago; Brian had begged me to come. We were in this straight bar, or mostly so, and his straight sister was with us. She started dancing with this guy and was just really talking to him. They were not really getting it on, or anything like that. Well, Brian was getting upset. I know that he had had a few drinks, but I couldn't understand his concern for his sister. He kept telling me that the guy needed to "come over to him and look him in the eye, shake his hand, and let him know that he had good intentions" toward his sister. He was really preoccupied with this, ruining my time for sure.
The next day, he took me home to his parents. His father talks the same way. His mother was a sweet, if not passive, woman. I got along with her, but found it hard to relate to his father, not that he was not OK with me.
OK, so my boyfriend talks like an eastern gangster and needs to protect is sister's virtue. And, he also says that he will always live in South Chicago. That's where his parents live, his sister and brothers, and he will live and die there. He's made that incredibly clear. (And by the way, he does seem to have a great family as his parents are OK with his being gay.)
Two nights ago, Brian asked me to move to South Chicago and live with him. He would support me while I get a job there. I have a career where I am, but could no doubt find a job in Chicago. My concern is: Well, first, bringing him home to my parents. My mother and father are pretty supportive, but having Brian walk into their house would be quite a stretch for them. I think that they would feel like they were sending their only son into the Irish mafia. Secondly, I'm not sure how I'd fair in South Chicago in that kind of environment. It all seems pretty scary to me. Not only that, I'm not sure I want to spend the rest of my life there and I know that Brian will never leave — though he will go on vacations just about anywhere as he has traveled all over the world.
So, my concern is: Given what I have told you, do you think I should follow my love or follow my concerns?

A: As far as Brian's "gangster"-style communication and family protectiveness, that's his cultural upbringing. He can probably modify it somewhat, but don't be asking for a "makeover." You love Brian in spite of it, and if your parents see the love he has for you, they will love him, too.
As far as his need to stay in South Chicago, I have not heard you say that you have addressed this concern with Brian. So, that would be the first place to start. He needs to hear your needs, not just his. A prerequisite of a good relationship is good communications. I don't mean that you need to agree on everything, but that you talk in a spirit of give and take, and of caring for both your needs. P.S.: Maybe Brian would be open to moving to Boystown.

Have a problem? Send your letters to: "Dear Jody," C/O Between the Lines, 20793 Farmington Road, Suite 25, Farmington, MI 48336. Or, e-mail: [email protected] (Letters may be edited.)

(Jody Valley spent 12 years as a clinical social worker. She worked with the LGBT community both as a counselor and a workshop leader in the areas of coming out, self-esteem and relationship issues. The "Dear Jody" column appears weekly. Letters may be edited.)

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