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*Billy Masters*

"If gay guys can identify with my character, then I think I'm doing my job right. And if straight people think I'm doing a believable job, then I've done my job." – Tuc Watkins answers, or rather, doesn't answer the question of whether he has a housewife or househusband of his own. I certainly understand his point, and far be it from me to go after one of our own. Plus, he obviously thinks he's just doing his job.

Billy is going to expose a plot so nefarious, so diabolical, it makes "The Da Vinci Code" look like an episode of "The Wiggles." Some Hollywood bigwigs have hatched a plan to try and convince us that Tom Cruise is a respected actor. Shocking, but true. I just saw a commercial for a movie I never heard of called "Lions for Lambs." Here's what the voice-over announcer said: "Oscar winner Meryl Streep, Oscar winner Robert Redford, and three-time Oscar nominee Tom Cruise." OK, let's zip past the obvious game of "Which of these things is not like the other" and note the words "three-time" before Cruise's "nominee." I didn't hear anyone call Redford "three-time nominee and one-time winner" or Meryl "14-time nominee and two-time winner." For some reason, the studio is pushing Tom's three nominations – probably hoping we won't notice the lack of "winner" anywhere near his name. But we're smarter than that.

I always try to give as much ink to legendary stars of yesteryear as to current stars of today – who, let's face it, usually have the shelf life of day-old salmon. With that in mind, we bring you another celeb arrested for DUI – Gary Collins. Back in 2002, he had a similar arrest, although he was ultimately found innocent. This time around, Collins allegedly lost control of his vehicle, swerved into oncoming traffic, and smashed into two parked cars – kinda makes Lindsay look like a good driver! In true celeb DUI fashion, the spry 69-year-old tried to flee the scene, but was detained by bystanders until the police arrived. Officers smelled alcohol on his breath, gave him a sobriety test, and allegedly found him to have two times the legal limit in his system. Look, if you were married to Mary Ann Mobley, you'd drink too – she hasn't taken the tiara off since winning Miss Mississippi in 1958! He was later released on $40,000 bail, which brings up a bigger question – how on Earth did Gary Collins come up with $40K?

In sadder news, we hear that Robert Goulet has pulmonary fibrosis. He's been on a respirator in Cedar Sinai awaiting a lung transplant since Oct. 12. Sounds awfully serious to me. As of this writing, Goulet is still looking a donor, and is reportedly optimistic.

Mariah Carey has been making the rounds promoting her latest venture, "M" perfume. Just prior to a live appearance on BET's "106 & Park," an assistant rushed to Carey's side and seemed to remove some facial hair with adhesive strips. No sooner had the photos of said hair removal dropped into my Inbox than Carey sources stated that her assistant was actually patting down her sweaty upper lip and chin. Sweat or mustache – you decide after going to BillyMasters.com.

Two Hollywood youngsters have seemingly undergone some cosmetic procedures, if candid paparazzi snaps are to be believed. First is Britney Spears, who looks like she had collagen injections in her lips. Next is Zac Efron, who appears to have had his nose thinned – for medical reasons, I'm sure.

Speaking of Zac, columnist Dan Savage recently wrote that he thinks his 5-year-old nephew is gay because he thinks Efron is very cute. Were Dan's nephew a bit older, he'd surely enjoy heading over to BillyMasters.com where we will run some pics of Zac emerging from the gym after "arm day." His biceps look quite pumped, indeed.

Lance Bass claims that throughout his time in 'Nsync, none of his bandmates knew he was gay. In fact, they regularly fixed him up on dates with girls which, for some reason, never worked out. Apparently Lance was the brains in that group! But if I hear him once again cry that he gave up all sorts of big career opportunities while waiting for Justin Timberlake to return to the fold, I may barf. What opportunities? He was a banana on "Let's Make A Deal" and fucked Reichen – neither of which are things you can't do any day of the week!

Incidentally, Reichen and his latest sire, model Ryan Barry, showed up at a Halloween party in full drag, and we've got the snaps to prove it. This isn't the first time Reichen dressed up – we've got pics of him a couple years back as Barbara Eden in "I Dream of Jeannie." He's referred to Halloween as "the best day of the year" – 'cause he can let his Jeannie out of the bottle, no doubt.

Reichen and Ryan aren't the only busty bitches in this column. We just saw snaps of pregnant Halle Berry at the UK premiere of "Things We Lost in the Fire," and she looks like she could breast feed Sarajevo!

Talented thespian Malcolm Gets has been cast in the non-musical film version of "Grey Gardens" that stars Jessica Lange and Drew Barrymore as Big and Little Edie (we've got some pics of Drew on the set which we'll post on BillyMasters.com). Malcolm will play Big Edie's piano-playing paramour, Gould. Malcolm's been a busy boy – he also makes a brief appearance in the "Sex and the City" movie.

Kid Rock was arrested in connection with a fight at an Atlanta-area "Waffle House." He gets awfully testy when you don't tip him!

Norm in Chicago has this week's "Ask Billy" question: "What do you know about hot actor Chris Pine? Someone that cute just has to be family."

Contrary to popular belief, some straight people can be cute, too. I first noticed Chris Pine when he was the love interest in the second "Princess Diaries" flick. He generated significant buzz after his performance in "Smokin' Aces" and a number of films even less popular than that. Nonetheless, he's acquitted himself quite well – well enough to have been hired to play the young "James T. Kirk" in the "Star Trek" prequel – intriguing casting since Chris has hair! Be that as it may, this film is the brainchild of J.J. Abrams, who states he's keeping the plot under wraps – which, if I know J.J., means that he doesn't have a clue what the plot will be. To answer Norm's question, no evidence points to Pine being gay – but I do agree he's awfully cute. I'll post some pics to illustrate.

By the way, the "Star Trek" prequel is also slated to star Zachary Quinto from "Heroes" as "Spock." Of course, he has played gay on Tori Spelling's "So noTORIous," and took part in that infamous gay sauna scene (with the delectable Chris W. King – who, God willing, is gay). We'll post that clip and pics on BillyMasters.com.

Could it be that a certain high-ish profile couple has started entertaining guests in their bedroom? According to sources, the Brentwood co-habitants have a steady stream of college-aged couples joining in the fun. Not surprisingly, it seems that when such pairing happens, each ends up with a partner of the same sex. And these encounters are often filmed – like home movies (which is hardly an impossible mission in this house). Naturally, if any photographic evidence ever surfaced, they could just say it was their evil twin or a body double.

When one Zac is a sex-symbol for pre-teen boys and another is playing "Mr. Spock," it's definitely time to end yet another column. This week we hopefully had something for everyone – plus a blind item, which the folks on http://www.BillyMasters.com will likely decipher quickly. No wonder I'm exhausted. And yet, I still find time to answer all of your letters. Feel free to write me at [email protected] and I promise to get back to you before Mariah sends her assistant out to buy some Nair! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.

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