Parting Glances: Brokeback Won Ton, anyone?

Charles Alexander
By | 2018-01-16T12:40:42-04:00 December 6th, 2007|Opinions|

Brokeback Mountain, the groundbreaking movie of same-sex sheepherder corrallin’, stile jumpin’, romancin’ in the Montana wilderness, as of last month scored a hefty box office total take of $83,825,853.
Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool?
Yes, sir. YES, SIR!!! three beaded bags full (and a heck of a lot more where that came from, with constant rumors of a Lee Ang sequel). And, like it or not, pardners, there’s a new name for ‘ussuns who gots a thing for range ridin’, fence hoppin’, cowboy pokin’ (but not necessarily bear backin’) outdoor game playin’ and indoor sleepin’ bag unzippin’.
Reports Mo’ Urban Dictionary (“We cookin’ some hot, fresh defs up in here. Holla!”): “After Brokeback Mountain [it] became the new term to describe ‘something that is gay’. And it’s spread beyond English — according to the Taipei Times, ‘brokeback’ has even entered Cantonese slang.”
Pronounced, no doubt, bloke-bek.
Mo’ Urban defines the gay name tag a tad broader: “Adjective used to describe anything of questionable masculinity.” [Senate wide-stancers, Pomosexuals, clipped poodles, Roseanne Barr] “Person1: Dude, Tell me you’re not wearing perfume! Person 2: What? No. Cologne. I swear! Person 1: Well, it smells pretty brokeback to me.”
As an aside to this impromptu chat on gay slang, a passing comment is in order here for the December National Enquirer (just in time for a Mary, Mary Christmas) of “Who’s Gay & Who’s Not[?],” concerning hunk Jake Gyllenhaal. To wit, “Some comments he made while promoting ‘Brokeback’ failed to convince skeptics [i.e., wishful thinkers] he’s straight.”
Said the 26-year-old Mr. Gyllenhaal, “Every man goes through a period of thinking they’re attracted to another guy.” [God knows I did. My period –surely some sort of extended cerebrial retardation, given my choice of men — has lasted for 60 plus years.] Gyllenhaal’s Enquirer pix shows him wearing sunglasses, seemingly focused on the crotch of a shorts-and-T-shirt attired guy sitting on the grass with his legs spread apart.
For those BTL readers who wouldn’t be caught by the Lowbrow Police buying a copy of Enquirer’s Who is/ Who isn’t[?] issue, the big harpoon, er, hairpin dropping among the usual ho-hum suspects — John Travolta, George Takei, Martha Stewart, Jodie Foster — is Condoleezza Rice. Enquirer feels — “according to buzz from political insiders” — there’s one e too many in her first name.
NOTE: PG readers are herewith cordially reminded that by sharing this Who is/Who isn’t[?] info I’m saving them $3.29 ($4.49, Canadian) in purchase price — plus untold embarrassment at the Farmer Jack checkoff counter. Kindly remit same to me in care of BTL. No 10-items-or-less questions asked.
But I digress. The salient quote about our beloved Brahms piano playing Secretary of State: “One ‘in-the-know’ blogger claimed that during her years at California’s Stanford University,
Condi ‘was completely out as a lesbian and it was not a scandal, just a reality.” The tabloid adds, “The never-married Condi has never been publicly linked with a man.” No reflection on George W, Dick Cheney, or Janet Reno.
Maybe, just to be on the politically safe side (that is, until the Republicans are out of the White House and the Right Wing fundygelicals are sitting in the out house), it might be well to refer to those of Condi’s ilk as “ze.” Mo’ Urban supplies this face-saving definition, “A gender-neutral pronoun. It refers to someone who does not fit in to gender binary.” As in, “Ze is wearing such a cute T shirt!”
Caption: I maybe brokeback, but, honey, I’m not into sheep!

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Charles Alexander