Parting Glances: Sister’s emails exposed!

Charles Alexander
By | 2018-01-15T18:42:45+00:00 January 31st, 2008|Opinions|

NOTE: These e-mails from the rather ample laptop of Sr. Serena Scatterpin, Renegade Sisters of Mary, were suddenly subpoenaed (God only knows why) by the 69th District Court, Farmers Market Jurisdiction, Michigan.
As a columnist accidentally privy to them (via cc misdirection) I feel it PC and intellectually incumbent upon my status as an advocating friend of Sister and her militant organization of like-minded religious to share these items with my lay readers.
Non-Recovering Catholics, Ann Arborites, those totally lacking in basic concepts of fashion, decor, and artistic motivation (namely straights) may browse elsewhere for better-living tips and spiritual ecumenical hints. (See Ask Judy for starters.) So said . . .
MR. MAYOR: I read recently that you wouldn’t want your kids to hang around with Recovering Catholics. That personally you have no quarrel with them [the RCs, not the kids] as long as they [ditto] keep to themselves, don’t hold hands, kiss, exchange used scapulars, or trade prayer cards in public.
Well, let me say, as an RC of many post-pubesecent decades, and a Vatican de-wimpled nun in good standing with the nationwide order of Renegade Sisters of Mary (there are at least 5000 voting Marys of all shapes, sizes, and colors in your city), I hope you’re setting a good example for your kids. (Recovery, like charity begins at home.)
There’s just something about your Big Guy, macho, streetwise demeanor that makes me wonder if you’re on the up and up (versus the down low or low down). It probably has nothing to do with you per se. It’s just that politicians as a rule tend to be a devious lot. 50-watt power goes to their heads. (With men, usually in both places).
By the way, as a non-RC who just might not be aware — it’s St. Christopher not St. Christine who’s the patron saint of limos, in case you’re planning a fast trip out of town soon. Get it wright, er, right next TV interview. Have a $9 million blessed day. AND! Do keep in mind: politics does indeed make strange bedfellows. (Spell Check helps.)
GOV. MITTY: I thought it would be Christian to remind you that the Church of Jesus Christ, Latter-Day Saints recently acknowledged that its prophet Joseph Smith, Jr., not only had plural wives (some historians say 16) but that Prophet Smith taught plural marriage as a doctrine of the early church. (President Brigham Young had 34 wives — and actually remembered all their names, their kids’ names, their kids’ kids’ names.)
As an RC I’m all for allowing women to hold the priesthood both for Roman Catholics and — I’d like to add — Mormons. (It was kinda sweet and thoughtful — if somewhat late — of your church to admit black males into the priesthood in the late 70s. Don’t women qualify, too?)
As a reasonably celibate nun — don’t get me wrong: I do have an occasional fling with the near occasion of sin, especially if he’s near enough to occasion with — I also think it would be wonderful if same-sex couples could tie the knot legally. (Maybe plural marriages might even make an honest comeback.)
Mitty, here’s campaign advice from a fashion-maven nun: Get a gay tailor. Watch reruns of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Change your church-sponsored underwear often. And, until times change: one marriage for everybody (straight or gay) at a time.
HOPEFUL HUCKLEBUCK: Which bible should take precedence over the U.S. Constitution? King James. Douay. Scofield. New World. Thomas Jefferson’s? How about The Book of Mormon? (E-mail Mitty now!)

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Charles Alexander