Confessions of a Wannabe Superstar (With a Huge Penis)

Can't imagine there's a gay guy who sneers at shopping? Really. They exist. Stephen Guarino is living proof.
The cast member of Logo's "The Big Gay Sketch Show," which returns for a second season on Feb. 5, cringes at the thought of going to a mall. In fact, he hates it so much that he just finally replaced his archaic DVD player, which sporadically played discs and had a busted pause button. Not to mention, he doesn't cover his mattress in some bedroom-color-coordinated comforter. He uses his sleeping bag.
From New York City, one of two places he floats between (the other being Los Angeles), the comedian blatantly admits: "I'm like the worst gay guy."
Which makes his upcoming role in "Confessions of a Shopaholic," currently in pre-production and also starring Isla Fisher and Hugh Dancy, all the more ironic. Based on the best-selling book and directed by P.J. Hogan ("My Best Friend's Wedding"), Guarino – much like Stanley Tucci's flaming-gay fashionista in "The Devil Wears Prada" – will play Allon, the gay confidant to a shopaholic (Fisher).
He's not totally deficient in the shopping department, though. Guarino just splurged on a sex-toy Web site, spending a whopping 120 bucks on a list of goodies, including a jockstrap. Oh, and an anal douche.
"Here's the thing: I'm so sure my roommates are using it when I'm not around," he says, "and I just can't deal with that. There are separate nozzles, but I just don't trust anyone."
Not even himself. During a sketch on "The Big Gay Sketch Show," where Guarino acts alongside seven other up-and-coming comedians, he appears in a commercial for the Gaydar Outing Blaster, an instrument for the homo-radar challenged. Like Guarino.
"Oh, it's horrible – especially with lesbians," he says. "She could be the dykiest bull thing ever and I'll be like, 'Ah! That guy's hot, don't you think?'"
On the show, which is executive-produced by Rosie O' Donnell, Guarino gets to flaunt his character versatility, playing a mute, kick-ass dancer named Svetlana; Elton John's hubby; and a gutter-stuck gay guy crushing on a UPS dude. Most memorable, though, is his turn as a flaming queer saved by an Almighty Superhuman Liza Minnelli. For that skit he got to don hot pants, which put (a lot of!) emphasis on his junk. Not that he's complaining.
"I tried to make that the one saving grace of the embarrassment of being dressed like that," he says. "I was like, 'Well, they'll know I have a big dick!'"
And nice legs! Which he struts down the street as Super Liza (played hilariously by Julie Goldman) unleashes her booze-enhanced powers on homophobes, saving Guarino from their manly-man wrath. If anyone could've played Queen Queer With Sexy Stems, it had to be Guarino. He is, after all, a former model for JCPenney – and a health textbook.
"There was a picture of a really skinny, in-shape guy and then fat me in some fat girl pants and the caption said, 'People come in all different sorts of sizes.'"
The book was distributed in his eighth-grade health class. Did he care? Nah.
"My ego was so big," he recalls. "I didn't get the irony. I just thought I was a superstar."
And he still wants to be. He's riding high knowing P.J. Hogan, who catapulted Toni Collette into superstardom with 1994 rom-com "Muriel's Wedding," is directing "Confessions of a Shopaholic."
"I'm hoping I'm next."