Parting Glances: No harness in heaven

Divine revelation sometimes happens absurdly. As the Second Century philosopher Tertullian once said of Christianity, "I believe because it's absurd."
Such absurdity purportedly happened four years ago last Halloween to Bruce Tarzhay (aka Rev. Bruce Pentecost) as he sat in drag on a bench in New York City's Central Park.
He's been on a mission to gays and lesbians ever since.
According to Rev. Bruce, before his "calling", he worked at a casino/resort for retired senior citizens. He says his career and bank account were going nowhere fast. He also freely admits he had then broken up with his sixth lover in 90 days, and, more importantly had developed his fourth bout of carpal tunnel syndrome, occasioned from energetic duties as a too aggressive croupier.
"I was in a deep funk," he says, "shivering as I sat alone dressed as my favorite C & W diva, Dolly Parton, when out of the blue this 'angel' (he must have spent a fortune on sequins and beads) sat down. He had sparkling eyes. Believe it or not, a halo that turned rainbow colors. His voice was a dry-roasted blend of Mike Hucklabee and Woody Allen — with a minty hint of Joan Rivers.
"Dolly (or whoever you are under that gorgeous blond wig), God's got a mission for you," the blue angel breathlessly confided, holding my hand lovingly. "God wants you to tell folks that only gays and lesbians will be saved. Everybody else — straights, bisexuals, transgendered, and especially leather types — imitation and otherwise — are doomed. That's showbiz."
Having said so, according to Rev. Bruce, the angel "vanished in the twinkling of an eye"; saying as he poofed off, "Be at the Limelight tonight for a very special blessing. Well, guess what? I did just that and won $500 for best believable bustline. Heaven works in mysterious ways its wonders to perform."
Two years after Rev. Bruce's epiphany (trading secular drag for sacred) he founded the Worldwide Church of Good News for Us Only. Three of his exes attended the four-person service held in a neighborhood storefront. Each fell out in the spirit, renouncing their down-low pasts, coming out unrepentantly gay.
Today there are 144,000 Us Onlys (all certifiable baptized gay or lesbian) and that number continues to grow as "the good news gets around that heaven loves only gays and lesbians — and anyone smart enough to bandwagon as well."
Rev. Bruce freely admits that his separatist following is beset by doubting detractors, egregious enemies, uppity persecutors. "Hey, persecution's something that happens to any faith that's got the truth with a capitol T. Ask any fundamentalist or evangelical. Fundygelicals thrive on persecution. Why can't we be picked on too?
"Sure, we're not liked because we have the christic cajones to say only fags and dykes will be saved. I mean, if the religious right can make the claim that only their goody-two-shoes will tap tap through the Pearly Gates, claiming everybody else is going off-off Broadway. Well, why can't we beat them at their own road show?
"If you're born a star the first time, there's no need to be born over. If the part's top billing to begin with, why be a walk on? To paraphrase Abe Lincoln, "God must love gays and lesbians, He made so many of them. And he — God and/or Abe — should know."
"And what about bi's and T-persons?" Rev. Bruce was asked by left-wing WJAB-AM radio talk hostess Dorothy "Dotty" Danceflats. "We're praying about that," was his succinct rejoinder. Leather types, no way in hell, Jose!"