"All the men that like me are gay. It's true. I have a really strong gaydar. I do love gay men though." – Victoria Beckham explains her connection with gay men. Let's do this like a mathematical puzzle. If all the men that like her are gay men, and if we go on the assumption that her husband David Beckham likes her, then does that mean her husband is a gay man?
Have I mentioned that I have a brain tumor? Well, at least, I think it's a brain tumor. I have been popping Advil like Chiclets for the past year because of these terrible recurring headaches. What else could it be but a brain tumor, right? My doctor has a different opinion. He believes that because of my dedication to the fans, my Web site http://www.BillyMasters.com and this column, I may actually need glasses. Apparently, men who have never worn glasses often experience some deterioration between 38 and 43 – so I'm just on the cusp!
An orderly at Mount Sinai Medical Center in Miami was fired after reportedly performing oral sex on an unconscious patient. Like that's a bad thing! One Pedro Gonzalez was transporting a patient from surgery to a private room when he allegedly orally serviced the male patient. Pedro was immediately fired after said patient filed a police report. So, let me get this straight – this guy coming out of anesthesia vividly remembers the incident and is able to make a positive identification of Gonzalez, but was not awake enough to stop it? Sounds like having your cake after someone ate it, too!
Gay Pride Week in West Hollywood was kicked off by the Love and Pride Commitment Ceremony at hotspot The Abbey. The symbolic service was sponsored by http://www.MatthewShepard.com and http://www.LoveAndPride.com and drew a number of celebrity witnesses, including Jay Leno. The comic is still living down asking Ryan Phillippe to show his "gayest look" on "The Tonight Show" – and has since quipped that the gay community's reaction was "a little over the top." Does the term "damage control" mean anything to you?
The event was hosted by TR Knight, who attended with his boyfriend, the youthful Mark Cornelsen. Yes, it's true I am obsessed with mentioning that Cornelsen is 19 years old while TR is somewhere in his mid 70s. I don't know – I just find it funny. Knight says that he and Mark have no plans to get married. But TR does plan to adopt a little boy. Well, hasn't he done that already?
Jumping on the proverbial bandwagon is retailer Macy's, anticipating wedding registry revenues in our community right around the corner. The retailer has taken out ads in California newspapers that show two male wedding rings with a caption that says, "First comes love. Then comes marriage." Once it was announced that legal same-sex marriages from other states will be recognized in New York, Macy's took out ads in the New York Times. Very clever.
Elsewhere in the Big Apple, Joan Rivers is mourning the death of her dog, LuLu. Interestingly enough, while Lu was facing her final hours, Auntie Joan was watching the movie "Elmer Gantry" and decided to try to save her beloved pooch by laying hands on her. Rivers' rationale was "If Burt Lancaster could do it, so could I." In his prime, Burt wore a Speedo, but that doesn't mean I can (or, rather, should).
What Joan did not do was go out and buy cocaine from an undercover cop. And, yet, Tatum O'Neal claims that it was her dog's death that pushed her to that extreme. O'Neal says that she was so distraught over the death of her dog, Lena, that she was wandering aimlessly when she came upon a panhandler who attempted to sell her some crack. According to Tatum, she was so disoriented, she didn't know what she was doing. I'd almost be willing to buy that excuse, except for two details: 1) her dog had been dead for three weeks, and 2) she was carrying a brand new crack pipe. But, in her defense, the crack pipe is her key chain!
We send our best wishes out to the legendary Shirley Bassey who is recovering after stomach surgery. The ageless Bond girl is expected to be back in peak condition to perform at Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday concert later this month.
Speaking of Mr. Bond, there's all sorts of drama surrounding the song for the next 007 flick. Originally, Amy Winehouse was asked to supply the theme. But, reportedly, this was before she began her downward spiral (which, by my calculations, means she was asked to do the song about five years ago). Then Beyonce Knowles was approached and seemed eager to take on the task. Only problem is, the song to be used is the one Winehouse co-wrote with Mark Ronson – and Amy claims to have already recorded it. No problem – that Beyonce can lip sync to anything!
Production is about to begin on a film version of the hit musical "Nine." The flick will reportedly star Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, Judi Dench and Daniel Day-Lewis. Nice to see that the powers-that-be have tracked down some authentic Italians!
This past week, my e-mail box was stuffed with questions about Hugh Jackman enjoying the beach with an awfully sexy, muscular, shaved-within-an-inch-of-his-life hot guy. And, wait a minute…are they holding hands? Come on – they must be lovers. Allegedly, the man in question is not only Hugh's local trainer down under, he's also a lifelong friend. I dunno – Hugh liked me when he met me, but we didn't hold hands or frolic in the surf in our skivvies. Be that as it may, I'll post the sexy shots on http://www.BillyMasters.com.
In an additional hot pic for me to run, my buff buddy Ethan Reynolds is the cover model for Steven Underhill's latest book. My congrats are somewhat tempered due to the name of the book – "Straight Boys." So much for truth in advertising…
I think we all know what the most popular question of the week in my "Ask Billy" box was. You asked it. Everyone asked it. But Chet in San Diego asked it first: "Did you see the 'Sex and the City' movie? Who is that gorgeous stud living next door to Kim Cattrall? Tell me you know something about him, and can show us some shots of his sexy body and huge, uncut cock!"
Where other gossips fail, Billy once again succeeds. Yes, "someone" schlepped into the "SATC" movie for a second time, determined to make you all proud. And, unlike Tatum O'Neal, this person was not arrested. Who did it? Who can say? But, there's only Web site where you can see close-up cock shots and the entire scene in question – http://www.BillyMasters.com, that's where. As to some details on the stud, his name is Gilles Marini, he's 32 years old, was born near Cannes, and now lives in Studio City – with his wife and child. Sorry, the Master giveth, and the Master taketh away.
Could it be that a certain celebrity couple is enjoying a relationship in name only? So say folks close to the duo who say the sweet music they make is only when in public. Sure, they live together and appear to be lovey-dovey, but it's a big house. Behind closed doors, they allegedly live completely separate lives and fulfill their parental duties in shifts. The one thing they work very hard at is never seeing each other – except for those photo-ops, naturally.
When Hugh is acting gay onstage and off, it's definitely time to end yet another column. By the time you read this, LA Pride will be a thing of the past and I will have spent far too many hours entertaining the masses (and, hopefully, Olivia Newton-John will not have taken out a restraining order on me). But while I'm recuperating, you can always find me online at http://www.BillyMasters.com. For your more pressing needs, drop a note to [email protected] and I promise to get back to you before a blow job cures my brain tumor (or eyesight)! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
