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Dating Diet: Always the Bridesmaid

Anthony Paull

The Dating Diet

It's always the same story with my friend Jake. We'll be out to a glamorous dinner with a large group of friends and fellow acquaintances, and Jake manages to sniff out the one guy at the table who happens to be married and straight.
Jake swears he can smell the promise of commitment on this specific type of man. "It's kind of, sort of a pungent alcohol or ammonia smell," he says. In reply, I always tell him that it's probably just the lingering fragrance of vagina juice on a straight man's chin. But whatever the case, he never hears me. For instance, this time, I tell him to please leave the poor little straight guy alone, that not every fly guy can walk toward the gay light. But no! You see, Jake likes what he can't have. And the moment the man he can't have lets down his guard, that's when Jake attacks.
Now, don't get me wrong. It's fun to watch Jake work his love magic, really. And this time more so than in the past, because the married guy made the mistake of leaving his wife and three kids at home. Whoops!
"You're really married?" Jake innocently asks Mr. Straight.
"Yep, I'm married. Married, married, married; wife, wife, wife; baby, baby, baby," Mr. Straight boasts, while gulping down his first beer. It's no more than a minute before Jake, sweet Jake, offers him a refill, and then another …
"You're so fortunate to have a beautiful wife and kids," Jakes informs Mr. Straight, while managing to seem enthralled by every facet of his life. The flattery ensues as the two become bosom buddies, drinking and drinking and drinking 'til they're best friends forever. The moment Jake begins grabbing at his hand, that's when Mr. Straight hiccups and drunkenly slurs the right eight words to turn the night into a V.C Andrews' novel.
"Dude, I'm serious. You're like the brother I never slept with," Mr. Straight says, laughing and slapping Jake on the back. And here's where I really, really have to refrain from puking in my mouth. I mean, hello! Did I miss something? How did we end up here? First, we're talking about beautiful babies and adoring wives, and now we're onto incest?
"I know. It's totally weird," Jake agrees with me the next day on the phone. It appears that after dinner he managed to convince Mr. Straight to join him for a nightcap. And though he wasn't very forthcoming with all the details of the night, I slowly, but surely, obtained a play-by-play of their post-dinner itinerary. Still, it was a struggle.
"So what did you do to him?" I asked, dryly.
"What do you mean?" he replied, as if insulted.
"Spill it."
"N-O-T-H-I-N-G!" he states. "I told him that I wasn't worth losing his beautiful family over. I said, 'No! No! No!'"
"So you kissed him, right?"
"Well, a little … "
With Jake, there never is a little anything. Having been friends with him for so long, I had learned this many years ago. The more unattainable the guy, the further Jake allows himself to go. He enjoys knowing that there will be no strings attached. Love is easier with padding. Life is easier with the protection of straight marriage. Jake professes that he wants more. He'd like to meet a guy someday and form a family. Still, he's scared shitless of being the wife, the one left behind while the husband has "dinner" with friends and gets jacked off by a stranger in his car afterward. Yeah, that happened too.
"It was all very innocent," Jake attests.
"Tell that the drycleaner who had to clean the come stain off your vintage jeans," I reply. Still though, I'm not upset. Instead, I'm lost in thought, and I feel icky. I want more for Jake, but I dare not tell him that. I know why he does what he does. His actions stem from the same fear that lies in each of us: the fear of blindly giving ourselves entirely to someone in the name of love, only to have our heart swallowed in hatred when that love decides to love another.
Maybe that's why we all love the bad boy, the straight boy, the married boy. Because we know he'll never offer us more than a hot night and a sore ass in the morning, and that feels good. Hearts heal faster when there is no history involved. Hearts search out what they can handle. As for Jake, he's still committed to dating straight married men, and though I'd like to give him shit for it, I refuse – because I've learned that love is not meant for everyone, just those of us brave enough to fall.

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