Billy Masters
"What the hell does that mean? Now I'll turn on you, Barbara. She's gotta be kidding! I'll trip you next time you're walking!" – Joy Behar responds to Barbara Walters' erroneous prediction that "The View" might finally win the Daytime Emmy due to the addition of Whoopi Goldberg to the panel. I think losing to Rachel Ray is a clear indication that the Emmy will be won by ANYONE but those five yentas!
I don't know about the rest of you, but I thoroughly enjoyed this year's Tonys and felt Whoopi Goldberg kept the show moving along at a quick clip. I was so entertained, I can't wait to hit NYC next month to see some plays. Without question, the telecast was easily stolen by the revival of "Gypsy" and, specifically, Patti LuPone's performance. Love her or hate her, that LuPone woman is one sharp cookie. In the 28 years since "Evita," her stirring rendition of "A New Argentina" on the 1980 Tonys has become part of her legacy. Patti surely realized that "Everything's Coming Up Roses" was destined for a similar place in her filmed history and she made the most of it. With the three "Gypsy" leads winning awards, it's no surprise that folks are clamoring for tickets. Have no fear – the trio is staying with the show through the end of the year, and will likely head to London in 2009.
During her downtime, LuPone is at work on her memoirs. In the press release announcing this project, one line jumped out at me: "From her beginnings…she discovered that being onstage was the one place she couldn't get into trouble." Boy, that hasn't always turned out to be the case, has it?
Gay boys around the country were literally salivating at the sight of Cheyenne Jackson in his short-shorts (which, if you ask me, could be shorter). Every time I've seen Chey, I've always enjoyed his performances, although I'm not entirely convinced that he's a "star." Be that as it may, someone on the Fan Forum at BillyMasters.com posted this entry: "Years ago, Cheyenne was just an up and coming Seattle actor starring in local theater, including a run of 'Hair' at one of our larger venues downtown. I happened to have a seat very close to the stage, so when the final scene (of act one) occurs, it was certainly fun to look around. I'll just say that I assume that Cheyenne is a 'grower,' to put it politely." And you people think I'm the bitchy one!
Speaking of packages, things at the soon-to-be-shuttered "A Chorus Line" are reaching a boil. As previously reported, Mario Lopez insisted on some changes when he joined the show. He wanted to be in a skimpier outfit (off went the sweater, on went a tank top) and wanted scene partner Nick Adams to NOT be sporting a tank top in their scenes together (he suddenly was wearing a hoodie). At the time, it was rumored that Mario felt he was being upstaged by Nick in the body department. It appears those fears were well founded, indeed. Representatives from 2(xist) undies went to see Lopez in the show and left signing Nick to be the company's new underwear model! Judging from some side-by-side photos we've acquired, 2(xist) made the right choice. The company's creative director said it best: "Mario is a good-looking guy, but Nick has it all. He's up and coming, the new face of sexy." We'll show you his face, and much more, on http://www.BillyMasters.com.
Mario can console himself with being named "Hottest Bachelor" by People magazine. The very hot accompanying pictorial showed Mario mimicking some famous sizzling shots of yesteryear – Christopher Atkins in "The Blue Lagoon," Brad Pitt in "Thelma and Louise," Burt Reynolds' People centerfold, Richard Gere in "American Gigolo," and even Marky Mark's Calvin Klein underwear ad (which is almost as good as getting his own undies campaign). We'll run these shots on our Web site.
Speaking of Mark Wahlberg, we've learned that he turned down "Ocean's 11" to star in "The Happening." And what a bum decision that turned out to be!
Body dysmorphia is running rampant on Broadway. Little Daniel Radcliffe has got himself in a tizzy prepping for "Equus" (which opens in October). When he got to choose a gift for being a Tony presenter, he chose the Skorcher Butt Machine! Because I'm a giver, I'll post Danny's nude butt on our Web site.
While Daniel's concerned about his butt, Justin Timberlake's flip side has reportedly caused considerable angst for the producers of "The Love Guru." Word has it that the bulge in his Speedo had to be electronically reduced. Maybe one sock would have been sufficient.
Armani has just revealed a new ad campaign starring David Beckham – and his bulge. A fan told us that when the new billboard was revealed on the side of Macy's in San Francisco, two cars literally collided. I don't think "acts of bulge" are covered by most insurance policies!
Last week, I participated in a roast of LA drag legend, Momma. Now, you wouldn't think that this is a natural segue given the previous underwear stories, but read on. I was asked to be on the dais alongside Ant, Alec Mapa, Calpernia Adams, and several others…including Reichen. Oh, yes, there's our transition right there. Ricky decided to pay homage to Momma by showing a slide show of his life, which took a strange turn when up popped some of his own underwear modeling shots (no reduction of his bulge was necessary). Ostensibly, these photos illustrated the point that meeting Momma has given him the courage to be himself and pose naked…or words to that effect. Then, for no apparent reason, he showed underwear shots of his on-again/off-again power-top boyfriend Ryan Barry – again, saying that because he loved himself, he was able to acquire a hot underwear model! It was quite odd, indeed. He scurried out before my turn at the podium, which was probably for the best. You see, in the great tradition of roasts, I not only went after Momma, but my fellow roasters. It seems everyone else thought this was a "testimonial," and then mean old Billy Masters hit the stage. Reichen left in the nick of time!
Reichen's previous victim, Lance Bass, is kinda in the news. We hear that two of his ex-boyfriends have hooked up with each other. I'd name them but, frankly, who cares?
This leads into our "Ask Billy" question. Tony in Detroit writes: "I just watched Bravo's 'A-List Awards' and thought it was hysterical. At one point, Lance Bass ripped Kathy Griffin's top open, and then she pulled his pants down. The scene was censored, but I figure if anyone has the tape, it's you."
Alas, it's much ado about nothing…although I am the first to say Lance's legs look quite impressive indeed (years of squats, no doubt). Kathy was wearing a prosthetic pair of breasts while Lance had a large fake penis hanging down from his undies. Fake or not, I'll post the uncensored stills on our Web site of http://www.BillyMasters.com.
While I'm posting things, a fan sent me some of Meryl Streep's recorded tracks from "Mamma Mia" and they are quite good indeed. Head to our Web site to hear the title track along with "Dancing Queen," where Meryl is ably aided by Christine Baranski and Julie Walters.
When I'm posting fake penii and Abba songs, it's definitely time to end yet another column. I did hear some funny gossip from the Tonys – apparently Brooke Shields gave advice to Katie Holmes, who makes her Broadway debut in the fall. I dunno – that's almost like me giving workout tips. Next week my summer vacation begins and I head east – likely entering the Witness Protection Program. One place I'll definitely turn up is on http://www.BillyMasters.com. For specific questions, drop a note to [email protected] and I promise to get back to you before Reichen gives anyone advice on scoring high on their SATs! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
