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McSteamy eating too many McNuggets?

By | 2018-01-16T00:20:44-05:00 July 10th, 2008|Opinions|
Billy Masters

“At the time, I suspected that Warren might be gay because he was so cute and had so many unusual and intellectual friends. Well, how wrong can you be?” – Jane Fonda talks about her first screen test with Warren Beatty. If she was going to be wrong, at least it was for the right reasons.

Summer is upon us, and it should come as no surprise that this is Billy’s favorite season. After all, I live in Los Angeles and Ft. Lauderdale and vacation in Provincetown, so I have a strong affinity for locales where the inhabitants wear little clothing. Lots of celebs appear to be suited for this lifestyle, but I thought I’d peek beneath that veneer and see for myself.

It’s important to remind my readers that the god-like physiques our favorite fellas sport on the big and small screen are not necessarily how they look in real life. Take, for instance, Eric Dane – certainly one of the hottest guys on the telly. After all, one doesn’t get to be called “McSteamy” for nothing. And yet, there he was, frolicking on the beach in St. Barts looking ever-so-slightly less ripped than in his infamous towel scene on “Grey’s Anatomy.” I won’t call him a big fat pig, but he looks decidedly average – and proud of it in that way straight men are. He has, however, gone on record to deny a rumor – his questionably-talented wife, Rebecca Gayheart, does NOT pluck out his gray hairs…at least not from any place we can see!

“Brothers and Sisters” star Rob Lowe was sporting a pesky paunch when he took to the waves with his family in Santa Barbara. Then again, you’ve gotta give him a break – one doesn’t have time to hit the gym if one is regularly chasing the household staff around. Lowe poked fun at getting older by telling US Weekly, “I remember when I used to have washboard abs.” Again, this laissez-faire attitude is limited to our straight counterparts, as Robbie seems to be dealing with his midlife mid-section just fine (and who can deny that he still looks damn good in clothes).

When we heard that Matt Damon has gained over forty pounds for his role in “The Informant,” we weren’t surprised – he’s been looking decidedly doughy for the past couple years. But after seeing pictures of him shirtless on the set, one can only assume he’s playing a lothario who preys on chubby chasers! Now that filming is over, Matt vows to regain his shape. We wish him well because, God in merciful heaven, it won’t be easy. And if he succeeds, I want to know how! He still looks OK in clothes – as is evidenced by his appearance at the “Ante Up For Africa” charity poker tournament at the Rio Hotel and Casino in Vegas last week (he attended with best bud Ben Affleck). Still, I know those shirtless shots are the ones you want to see, and you can see every last pound on http://www.BillyMasters.com.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, Colin Farrell elicited gasps when he stripped surfside. No, he wasn’t fat – we’ve seen that and coped with it admirably (knowing how large his penis is has helped us overlook his other physical peccadilloes). In the photos we’ll post, Colin actually looks too thin – as if there’s such a thing! In fact, he looks downright unhealthy. People say he’s lost weight for a role, but unless his love interest is Calista Flockhart, he’s gone way too far. Others say his girlfriend Emma Forrest has helped him give up alcohol and drugs. That thin and drug free? I think not.

I don’t believe there are any weight restrictions on talk show hosts. Certainly no one wants to see Jimmy Kimmel in a Speedo! Still, Jimmy Fallon has hit the gym with a passion in preparing for his late night debut. Sources tell us that the funnyman can be found on the treadmill every day for a minimum of five miles. He reportedly wants to make sure that his physique resembles his “SNL” self when he takes over for that looker, Conan O’Brien.

Ellen and Portia are acting like newlyweds, strolling hand-in-hand through the streets of Rome and jet skiing on the Isle of Capri. With a fall wedding right around the corner, we can confirm one detail – Portia plans to take the DeGeneres name. DeRossi, DeGeneres – potato, potahto.

Sean John, P. Diddy, Puffy, Sean Combs, whatever you call him, he’s quite a diverse person. Rapper, actor, designer, producer, he does it all. But do any of these jobs require smooth testicles? Not that I know of. In fact, there are precious few jobs with that requirement – aside from being my assistant, of course. The entrepreneur has revealed that his balls are as smooth as a baby’s…well, a baby’s balls. But they’re not shaved. Oh no, not our Daddy. “I wax my privates,” he told a UK reporter. TMI, indeed.

Encores Summer Stars is producing a limited run of “Damn Yankees” at New York’s City Center. These are the same folks who presented Patti LuPone in “Gypsy” last summer – and we all know what happened to that! This musical features Cheyenne Jackson and Jane Krakowski, and it’s a little reunion – the couple worked together in workshops of “Xanadu.” Sean Hayes is also co-starring in the show, and me wonders if some romance is afoot. In one of the press pics, Jane is flanked by Cheyenne and Sean. Cheyenne’s arm is on Jane’s hip and it looks like they’re in an embrace – but if you look closer, you’ll see that Chey and Sean are actually holding hands! Hmmm. I’ll run the pic on http://www.BillyMasters.com.

This week’s “Ask Billy” question comes from Kurt in Connecticut: “I read Mario Lopez say that he’s naturally smooth, but I am sure I’ve seen photos of him with hair on his chest. Am I crazy? Or is he a liar.”

He’s a liar. Since he went out of his way to say otherwise, I have no problem proving him wrong. We have photos of him with a tightly trimmed chest proving that there is indeed some dark hair naturally in place. In case anyone is wondering when they’ll get to see more of Mario, “Playgirl” reportedly offered him $200K to pose in the nude – an offer Mario declined, saying “It’s not something for me at the moment.” In other words, check back with him once “A Chorus Line” closes on Aug. 17.

Could it be that Lucille Ball was married to a gay midget? Not in real life, but she will be on the stage of the WeHo Church as part of the Festival of New American Musicals. “Dance With Me” is a new musical about Lucy and Desi which will have four concert performances on July 10-13. Our own little Jai Rodriguez will be playing “Desi Arnaz.” Also in the cast is WeHo Church honcho Jm J. Bullock. Maybe Nancy Dussault is available to play Lucy! You can get more info at http://www.DanceWithMeTheMusical.com.

When I’m obsessed with men’s body hair, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. Boy, we packed in quite a lot for a holiday weekend. I barely have enough time to pack my Speedo and hit the road. No matter where I am, the best gossip around can be found at http://www.BillyMasters.com. If you have any questions, feel free to write me at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Diddy shoots a “Nair” commercial! So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

About the Author:

BTL Staff
Between The Lines has been publishing LGBTQ-related content in Southeast Michigan since the early '90s. This year marks the publication's 27th anniversary.