EYE-PHONE TRANSCRIPT (7/4/08):
“Hi, Chaz. How’s it hangin’? – spiritually speaking. It’s me. Your old beatific buddy and perennial fashion guide, Sr. Serena Scatterpin, Renegade Sisters of Mary. “You’ll never in a month of celibate Sundays guess where I am.”
CHAZ: “Sister, it’s three in the A dot M! No time for games, patriotic or otherwise. I hope you’re not calling to wish me a fire-crackin’ Independence Day … What’s that sound? Sounds like some sort of water running. You’re not wading in the Trevi Fountain again, are you?”
SISTER: “Better than that. I’m at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport between, if you’ll pardon my saying so, lay overs. I thought that at this wee (or should I say wee-wee) hour I could sneak sight unseen into what’s fast becoming a national shrine for the Republican Party.
“And! I must say my red-white-and-blue, wash-and-wear, designer wimple is perfect for the occasion. If you could see me you’d be tidy bowled over, so to speak. [Whooshing sound of water.] Tee hee. [More whooshing.] Whee!”
CHAZ: “Sister, what in heaven’s name’s going on? Aren’t you in Minny-noplace making plans for the National Convention of Recovering Catholics of America, scheduled – call it ‘the near occasion of sin’ – political, for certain – a week before the Republican National Convention this summer?”
SISTER: “Well, it’s either here or the City of Hamtramck, and that fair citadel hasn’t fully qualified for Catholic 501.C3 recovery status yet – (too close to Detroit; if you ask me, but who am I to judge?) I must say: it’s worth getting up early just to flush away my cares and woes. [Whooosh!] And! Did I ever tell you my wide stance’s not so bad either?”
CHAZ: “Oh, my God, Sister. You’re not where I think you are are you? Don’t tell me you’re following in the Size-10 footsteps of Sen. Larry Craig? Wow! I’ll say this: I’ve got to, er, hand it to you. You’ll certainly go where angels fear to tread. Can I ask a quickie?”
SISTER: “Go ahead. Shoot. (Tee hee.) There’s just me and my cubicle. Sorta reminds me of my convent days. Actually, this is a great place to collect one’s thoughts. (Among other things.) I’m sure the good senator was thinking only of his constituents and how they measured up to his party’s coming expectations. I’m all ears . . .”
CHAZ: “Well, tell me, Sister. How wide is a wide stance? Is it safe to say – theoretically, to be sure – that a Recovering Catholics’ wide stance is as wide or wider that a Republican senator’s wide stance?”
SISTER: “Honestly, dear boy! In all the years I’ve known you I’ve never – no not once – asked you about your own wide stance – and someone, whom I shan’t mention by name, said you do the limbo quite well – in high heels or flats.
“Plain fact of the matter is it’s not the stance one takes in religion or politics it’s the dot-dash, SOS message one taps out over the bedroom ceiling or under the bathroom stall. I’ll say this for the senator: he must have been one helluva an acrobat. It was either the cops or a chiropractor to his rescue.”
CHAZ: “Just for the record. Are the rumors really true? Is there a brass marker commemorating Sen. Craig’s historic – and semi solitary – encounter above and beyond the call of duty to the Republican Party and the American family?”
SISTER: “You’re right! (Right as right can be!) It reads: ‘Did you leave your wallet behind?'”
EYE-PHONE TRANSCRIPT (7/4/08):