“It’s not a beer can, but it’s not bad.” – JP Pitoc recounts what a girl he slept with once quipped. If she was willing to believe he’s straight in real life, why couldn’t she believe the size of his penis might have been exaggerated? But, since JP did a Beck’s Beer commercial, maybe they’ll use this as a slogan: “Beck’s Beer – it’s not a beer can, but it’s not bad.”
It’s finally here: the long-awaited “What ever happened to…” column, where I track down some of your favorite stars of yesteryear. Well, “stars” may be overstating things. By and large, this is a who’s who of “who cares?”
Many readers are curious if guys who played cute kids on TV series turned into cute adults. The first few candidates fill that category. Without question, my fans are most interested in Jonathan Taylor Thomas. JTT (a nickname he hates) is now 26, so you’d think giving up acting for college would be an outdated excuse. Except just last year, he was back at Columbia taking classes. And he’s been acting occasionally all along – doing guest spots on “8 Simple Rules” and “Veronica Mars.” He also turned up on “Smallville” back in 2002 where he was shirtless,and looking pretty hot, which you can see in the photos we’ll post on http://www.BillyMasters.com. We’ve got some more recent pics, and he looks exactly the way you’d expect. He’s still a little bit of a thing at 5-feet-6-inches, but he’s now a man, and billing himself simply as Jonathan Thomas. And, yes, he’s still single.
Zachery Ty Bryan played JTT’s older brother on “Home Improvement” and looked like he might mature well. He did, and continues to make a living as an actor. Like Jonathan, he was on “Veronica Mars” and “Smallville.” In addition, “ER,” “Boston Public,” “Buffy” and “Cold Case” have kept him gainfully employed. However, he had a run-in with the law in April when he was trying to get into his wife’s hotel room. Since the room wasn’t in his name, a staff member tasered him in the neck! A lawsuit is underway, which should help supplement his income.
Brian Bonsall played little “Andy Keaton” on “Family Ties,” and seemed to drop off the entertainment radar in 1994 after four episodes of “Star Trek: The Next Generation.” But he’s on someone’s radar – the police! Yes, Brian is considered a fugitive from the law since he was a no-show for a court hearing stemming from beating up his girlfriend last year (he was charged with third-degree assault). He should be easy to find – he’s now got a double-pierced lip, tattooed neck and shaved head!
By comparison, Jeremy Jackson from “Baywatch” looks kinda hot – in a kinda sleazy, dirty, drugged-out way. The tyke who played David Hasselhoff’s son has admitted he was strung out on drugs during the “Baywatch” years all the way through 2000. That would explain why at only 27-years-old, he looks like an old saddlebag. But, in his case, it works. With his sharp, angular features and hot body, the addition of the weathered look makes for quite a palpable package, we’ll show you his package on http://www.BillyMasters.com. And, when he slathers on the base and mascara, he almost looks his age.
I’d tell you what’s new with Mackenzie Phillips, but as I write this, balloons filled with white powder are dropping from her sugar walls.
If you’re interested in TV shows or stars of the past, head over to http://www.ReRunIt.com, a free Web site that provides vintage and new content with iconic celebs. I highly recommend it (and, yes, I think the site host Brad Lemack is sexy as all get-out).
One of the hottest Olympians of all time was multi-gold medalist Mitch Gaylord, and someone asked me what he’s up to. Didya know he did all of Chris O’Donnell’s stunts in the flick “Batman and Robin”? Well, this summer, he turned up as a judge on “Celebrity Circus.” Need I say more?
Loads of you are interested in the lads from “trick” – JP Pitoc and Christian Campbell. Didya know they were in another film together? In “Thank You, Good Night,” they’re in a band (and both banging chicks). Anyhoo, JP lives in LA and fans spot him at the gym regularly and tell me he looks as hot as ever. What he’s been unable to do is find a starring vehicle to catapult him beyond the pedestrian guest star roles on “Ghost Whisperer,” “Bones” and “Numb3rs.” He did play a Chippendales dancer in “Just Can’t Get Enough,” starring alongside a very fine actor who was in “Making Porn” with me – Peter Nevargic. Campbell, on the other hand, is living in New York and has had some real starring roles – including the soap “All My Children,” the short-lived series “The Book of Daniel” (where he also played gay), the musical “tick, tick…BOOM!”, and both the stage and film versions of “Reefer Madness: The Movie Musical.” Since I’m writing about him, I’ll run that mega-hot pic one of our proofers took of him in the men’s room of a gay club in Boston. Why’s he there? Why’s he shirtless? I have no clue. But didya know he’s got a big-ass tattoo on his left tittie of his family crest? Who is he? Princess Margaret?
And where is Ralph Macchio? The Karate Kid is still around and looking pretty much like he did in his prime, which is quite an accomplishment for someone who’s 46! The last thing I remember him in was “My Cousin Vinny.” But he also turned up on “Entourage” a couple years back playing himself. He’s done some quirky little projects, and even works behind the camera. His short film, “Love Thy Brother,” is available on iTunes. And just recently I saw him in a commercial for Vitamin Water.
Roger Herren was the stud in “Myra Breckinridge” who got fucked by a strap-on-wearing Raquel Welch. That film began and ended his film career. Prior to that, he was in a production of “The Boys In The Band” playing the cowboy – perfect casting, if you ask me. After “Myra,” LA Times columnist Joyce Haber said Herren had “the butt of the century.” Now, in the 21st century, Roger is 62 years old and lives in Santa Barbara – enjoying a private life and hanging out on the beach. No idea what else he did for a living, but with a butt like that, the possibilities were surely limitless. Needless to say, BillyMasters.com will have that strap-on scene for your viewing pleasure.
It did my heart good when a flurry of fans asked about singer Linda Clifford. The diva resides in Chicago and has been married to drummer Nick Coconato for 30 years. They have two kids (a son who plays bass and a daughter who’s a singer) and enjoy a stable, happy life. She may be known for covers, such as the disco remake of “If My Friends Could See Me Now,” but she did the original version of “All the Man that I Need,” which later became a hit for Whitney. This summer, she released “How Long,” which is a cover of Phyllis Hyman’s classic. It can be purchased at http://www.PerfectBeat.com. Those of you in SF can see Linda on Sept. 29 at the Rrazz Room.
Since we need something a little seedy, let’s turn to gay porn. A few people have asked what happened to porn star Brian Yates. Under his real name, Jon Powell, he’s done some legit acting – including such titles as “Jeepers Creepers II” (I don’t believe he was in the original). And he’s married to my sister-in-gossip, Ted Casablanca.
When an item about someone wearing a strap-on ISN’T the seedy item, it’s time to end yet another column. The column’s over, the summer’s over. I barely have time to remind you that current photos of most of these folks can be found on http://www.BillyMasters.com. Next week, back to our regularly scheduled dirt. If you have a question, send an e-mail to me at [email protected] and I promise to get back to you before Mackenzie gets a job hawking Vagisil! So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.