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Holy man-trimony

Chris Azzopardi

All the beefcake at Bally couldn't appease the unevenness of "Kiss the Bride," a cobwebby love triangle comedy-drama that has more identity issues than its confused characters. Topping them is Ryan (James O' Shea), whose ex-flame, Matt (Philipp Karner), is still stuck on him – and rushes back into his big-gunned arms just before he gets married. To a woman.
Tori Spelling, as Alex, plays the (un)lucky lady, parading around in frumpy clothes to hide the actress' pregnant belly. She's unsuccessful and, in many regards, so is director C. Jay Cox's mediocre made-for-TV-caliber film. A striptease scene in the beginning is too uncomfortable to yield the laughs it wants to, the flashbacks Matt has of himself and Ryan as teens are unrealistic, and the pivotal pratfall is the most obvious one: We've seen this movie before.
And even the script makes light of that. "You are so Julia Roberts in 'My Best Friend's Wedding' right now," says Matt's assistant at the gay mag where he's employed. Whereas that 1997 film maintained its charming-yet-still-funny appeal, "Kiss the Bride" tosses the bouquet out the window, transforming into a queer take on "The Notebook" with its overly contrived and dramatic I-still-love-you lip lock. And, even worse, it leaves most of the humor in the closet.
By the end, it goes in so many jarring directions, trying to trick us as to how it'll all play out, that you feel like you're being bounced around on a wooden rollercoaster. Its biggest offense, though, is its substitution of rambling heart-to-hearts for BJ humor – and that just blows. C

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