Age: I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.
Location: Los Angeles.
Other jobs: Pumping gas, care attendant for people with disabilities and Web developer.
Have you tried bringing sexy back?
Back? I’d had to have had it in order to bring it back, right? FTM bois are the new sexy, how about that!
What’s the worst job you’ve had?
I lived in Maine, it was summer and I got hired at this fancy restaurant/hotel to wait tables. On my first day I rode my motorcycle to the job and they gave me a khaki skirt and white blouse to wear. I told them I don’t wear skirts. They told me I didn’t have a choice. I told them I did and I handed them their fugly clothes back and got on my bike and went home. I never even worked, but it was the worst job I ever had – for that one second.
Every time I see Zac Efron, I want to say …
… ‘Bitch, not another ‘High School Musical’! Don’t be one of those guys who hang around high school after you graduate. Please just move on to college and suck some gay dick, and come out already.’
The best sex involves …
… lot of teasing, a little bit of threatening to do things you’d likely never do, dirty talk – and a little bit of lube, organic or water-based in a bottle.
Age: Old enough to eat cornbread and not choke on the crumbs.
Location: Los Angeles.
Other jobs: I book dates for Ted Haggard.
Ellen DeGeneres or Kathy Griffin?
Neither. Ann Coulter is much funnier.
What do you find sexy about the same sex?
I love a man with really nice ‘breasticles.’
Who would you rather be? Why?
There’s no one else I’d rather be. However, in my next life, I’d love to come back as Mario Lopez’s wallet.
When I see a hot straight guy, I …
… tell him to put his clothes back on, take his money and go.
Forget the gym. The best workout is …
… hiking, holding hands, walking on the beach. Wait a minute. What’s this for again?
Age: Let’s just put it this way: I’m keeping the birthday candle business alive.
Other jobs: I’ve been a phone salesperson for catalog sales (they called us personal shoppers), a janitor, a cafeteria cook at a community college, an office supply sales rep, an actor, voice-over talent, bass player in several rock bands, record producer, theatrical producer. And (I have) one college credit – in jazz choir.
What song best emulates you?
Either ‘I’m a Middle-Aged Woman’ or ‘Try to Remember.’
How close have you come to sleeping with the opposite sex?
I have actually slept with the opposite sex many a time, back in my alcoholic/drug addict days. At least, I think it was the opposite sex – maybe just a reeeeeally butch gal.
If you weren’t a comedian, what would you be doing?
I would love to play music full time … or be a cat wrangler.
Once upon a time, I …
… never thought I’d get married. My partner/wife/husband and I got married last August.
For me, being fashionable involves …
… a new pair of Merrells, and breathable waterproof clothing – hey, I live in Seattle!
Age: Over 40
Location: West Hollywood (formerly from Westland/Livonia area).
Other jobs: My first was as a softball umpire. My last before doing comedy was as a research associate in the neurology department at the University of Michigan.
It’s Friday at 10 p.m. – what are you doing?
Hmmmm, 10 p.m. – which time zone?
What lesbian stereotype do you live up to?
I love sports. On Sundays during football season, we get an extra long cable, connect it to the box in the other room, bring in another TV and watch both my girlfriend’s Giants on the big screen and my Lions on the little one (I don’t think I need to elaborate on why mine’s on the little TV – but hey, as of now, the Lions are tied for first place in their division).
What’s the upside of this economic crisis?
People really need a laugh in times like these.
Paris Hilton is …
(I didn’t not answer that question – that is my answer. No answer, blank, nothing. See where I’m goin’ with this?)
Answering these questions makes me want …
… to be a journalist.
13th annual Lesbian & Gay ComedyFest
6 and 9:30 p.m. March 14
Dearborn’s Ford Community and Performing Arts Center
15801 Michigan Ave., Dearborn