Creep of the Week: Samuel "Joe" Wurzelbacher

Ah, Joe the Plumber. That quintessential everyman all good Americans strive to be: hardworking, heterosexual, white male, and strongly opinionated without any idea what he's talking about (aka Republican). Not only can the man snake a toilet, he has also unclogged this country's political consciousness. Finally Americans have permission to hold strong opinions about subjects they know virtually nothing about and become famous for their very ignorance. God bless this country.
Every time I think of the years wasted before Joe the Plumber took to the national political stage, I die a little bit inside. Listening to Joe speak is a breath of fresh air. Granted, that air is devoid of any oxygen and thus incapable of sustaining intelligent life, but it's still air.
Hot, hot air.
I mean, the man is an expert on just about any subject – whether it's business taxes, war correspondence or, now, gay marriage.
During an interview with Christianity Today, Wurzelbacher was asked what he thought about gay marriage at a state level in light of recent developments in Iowa and Vermont.
"At a state level, it's up to them," he said. "I don't want it to be a federal thing. I personally still think it's wrong."
OK, so far so good. He's not calling for a federal marriage amendment or anything and he has every right to think marriage for gays and lesbians is wrong. Opinions are like assholes, after all.
But then things start to fall apart. "People don't understand the dictionary – it's called queer. Queer means strange and unusual." Wurzelbacher says. "It's not like a slur, like you would call a white person a honky or something like that."
I realize that it appears he is saying that the dictionary is queer and thus misunderstood. But I think he's substituting the word "dictionary" for "definition of the word queer." Maybe that's all the dictionary is to him. Reading is pretty gay, after all. Now I could jump all over him (figuratively, of course) for using the word "queer" as a pejorative. Instead I'll just say this: Wurzelbacher is a honky.
His answer continues. "You know, God is pretty explicit in what we're supposed to do – what man and woman are for," he says.
That's right. God is pretty explicit if you take the idea that the Bible is literally His word. There is some racy stuff in that book. But what Wurzelbacher is referring to specifically here is the commandment: "Thou shalt have penile-vaginal intercourse."
Not that Wurzelbacher will hate you if you don't "do it" right.
"We're supposed to love everybody and accept people, and preach against the sins," he says. "I've had some friends that are actually homosexual. And, I mean, they know where I stand, and they know that I wouldn't have them anywhere near my children. But at the same time, they're people, and they're going to do their thing."
Gosh, I wonder what lucky homosexuals get to be Wurzelbacher's friend. Nothing says, "I value your friendship" quite like, "Stay the fuck away from my kids you hideous pervert."
But hey, at least he acknowledges that homosexuals are people. And I am happy to return the favor. Wurzelbacher is only human. A deeply flawed, proudly ignorant human being who embodies the face of today's Republican Party.
Congratulations, G.O.P. "Joe" Wurzelbacher is your boyfriend.