Parting Glances: Scatterpin gets booked

By |2018-01-15T23:47:51-05:00October 1st, 2009|Opinions|

In spite of negative publicity and candid pix in La No-No del Inquirer, the worldwide Vatican super market tabloid, Sr. Serena Scatterpin begins a book-signing tour on Oct. 11, National Coming Out Day.
The redoubtable Renegade Sister of Mary and much-loved fashionista is promoting her controversial biography, “Gone With the Wimple: Confessions of a Recovering Catholic” (New Purgatory Press, 2009; 540 pgs, with St. Neiman of Markus scapular keepsake. $19.75)
“While Oct. 11’s Coming Out Day is for my gay friends – God knows I have quite a few (including two cross-dressing archbishops) – those of us who are Recovering Catholics in the bingo game of life need a holy day of tell-all obligation to celebrate,” says Sister.
“It’s obvious to me that if you’ve survived 30 low-cal, Weight Watcher Lents (I’ve survived 39 and a half), 600 Stations of the Cross without kneepads, 20-plus years of two-steppin’ the rhythm method of birth control (with non-Catholic or, what’s more challenging, gay partners) it’s time to get up and go. Genuflect once too often and you’ll get really bent outta shape.
“Yes, New York Times Review of Books, I’m RC. Get use to it. Some of your best readers are ‘that way.’ We deserve the same rites, er, rights, and recognition as any one else. And, by the way, Your Papal Holiness, plastic surgery’s not a sin. God knows: a silicone D-Cup uplift – and the right shade of lip gloss – covers a multitude of sins.
“The Vatican press has tried its darndest to keep my bio away from the Midnight Mass set, tacky defrocked clerics, non-celebrating religious, playboy priests, Swiss Vatican Guards (I’ve had a designer fling with six). I’ve even been told “Gone with the Wimple” is listed as a forbidden book. If nothing else, that’ll make it sell like printed hot cross buns.”
There’s a strong possibility that Sr. Scatterpin is taking a big risk by self-publishing her life story while touring sans trademark wash-and-wear wimple. In jeopardy is her scheduled admission this year to the World Wide Wimple Hall of Fame in Nunsville, Ohio.
“It’s an honor I may have to forego. I’d be Michigan’s first honoree. (They don’t call me the Wolverine Nun for nothing!) And just for the record: the famed Flying Nun is from Oklahoma, not Hamtramck.”
The good sister, who’s seriously considering autographing her book here in select gay bars (“only those with high fashion drag queens”), is petitioning Ferndale’s Mayor Craig Covey for a holiday booking at a club of his choice. “If anybody’s recovering it’s Mayor Craig, even if he’s High Church most of the time.”
Selected passages to titillate sales – and permit a facelift for Sister before her tour – include: “I grew up in a small Catholic family of 13. Five of my older brothers were gay; so they were marked right from the start to be priests. They liked to dress up in choir robes, burn incense and tinkle tricycle bells. How my little Barbie Doll mind envied them.”
“My dad was a big influence. Once a week, wherever it was playing at the movies, he’d take me to see ‘Sound of Music.’ Julie Andrews became my spiritual role model. By age 7, I knew all the dialog to ‘Going My Way’ and ‘Bells of St. Mary’ and had a thing for Bing Crosby, whose roman collar fashionably enhanced his Adam’s apple when crooning ‘Panis Angelicus.’
“My recovery happened when I finally realized only priests got to wear designer frocks during Mass. It wasn’t fair. Truth is, I’m just a nun who can’t stay drab. (Or say no, for that matter.)”

About the Author:

Charles Alexander