Q: I have read about problems people have had on sites for meeting people, but I haven’t heard of this one yet. Here goes:
I’ve been communicating with a woman on a match-type site (I won’t mention which site it was). I really liked what this woman wrote on her site; it seemed like we had a lot in common, and a lot of things we wanted in life. Finally, I suggested that we talk by phone. So, last night we talked. I was blown away by her wanting to know things about me that I was not prepared to talk about. I just felt uncomfortable with all her questions. Actually, I wasn’t upset by all the questions she asked, but there were many that astonished me. It’s just that the whole conversation seemed to be some kind of test.
It wasn’t that her questions were inappropriate, it’s just that I didn’t feel ready to talk about many of the issues yet. For example, she wanted to know if I was ready to settle down and have a relationship. Well, Jody, I probably am ready with the right person, but somehow I was so taken back by that question, I just sort of dithered on that one. She asked if I wanted to have kids. Well, maybe I do, I haven’t thought that much about it. Again, maybe with the right person and if the circumstances are right, and we – if we are a couple – have enough financial security, and she’s willing to be the biological mother and on and on. And I’m sure I would have other questions if I thought about it more. Geez, I probably would like kids. But the point is: I felt blind-sided by her.
Another question that she asked was: What would I do if my partner’s parents wouldn’t accept me as her partner? Again, I couldn’t get my feet under myself.
I felt like I was on one of those bachelorette shows where they ask all those kinds of questions, and the people are kind of on a crammed-dating schedule, and they’re trying to make the show interesting. But I didn’t expect those questions, nor could I really give answers that seemed even adequate. I felt like I was having a final exam with all these essay questions and I hadn’t read the book, attended the classes or read any class notes, like totally not prepared.
When I went to bed last night, I had this nightmare where I was actually on a lesbian bachelorette show, and I couldn’t answer the questions that this beautiful, dark-haired woman was asking me. I was really upset and kept thinking that I should have prepared, and I wasn’t going to get this woman because I was sounding so stupid. Gosh, I wonder where I came up with that dream, right!
This woman wants to meet for coffee, so I guess I didn’t totally blow it, or maybe she’s desperate. Who knows.
My question is: Is there something wrong with me? Should I have been able to toss out good answers to these questions? I guess that I’m going to have coffee with her because she did seem nice, and we apparently have a lot in common – and her picture looks great. But how do I tell her that she makes me feel uncomfortable?
Bachelorette Without Answers
A: You would undoubtedly have had more answers for her if you had gotten to know the woman over a period of time, and had initially started with having had more getting-to-know-you conversations and dated and seen each other in various situations, and knew that you liked her and saw potential for a relationship and wanted things to progress.
It’s like on a relationship scale of 1-10, with 10 being ready for commitment, the woman was functioning from about an eight, while you were on one. And one is the most comfortable place to start. That’s why, understandably, you were feeling uncomfortable and not able to answer her questions. When you have coffee with her, let her know that you need to take relationships more slowly, and you can only answer many questions after you have known a person for a longer period of time. If she can’t get that, she is the wrong person for you.