Perhaps it’s appropriate that my day begins with the chance reading of an online item about a guy who was trying to smuggle a number of lizards through customs when leaving New Zealand.
Found – in what can only be deemed the ample – and surely, unbelievably vibratory – boxer briefs of one Hans Kubus, a German tourist down under, were 23 geckos, 20 skinks.
The amphibia were separated by compartments in a small box, the dimensions of which are – unfortunately for my many size-queen readers – missing from the zoological account.
In case you may think said Hans is coot crazy, there’s a European black market trade in geckos. Estimated street value is about $35,850, American. Hans has yet to be sentenced for this egregious crime against nature that occurred – shame! shame! shame! – at Christchurch Airport.
Having begun my day with this earthshaking oddity of curious human enterprising, I also find to my usual monthly glad astonishment that my copy of the British-published magazine Fortean Times has arrived at Marwil’s Bookstore on Wayne State’s campus.
FT is named for Charles Fort (1874-1932), who wrote several still-in-print books about anomalies, mysteries of the unexplained, coincidences. The uncanny. The unusual. The weird. Things that go Humpty Bump in haunted basements.
This month’s issue carries the banner line, “strange sexual fetishes, psychic soldiers, myths of Darwin Year.” Here are some ginko-free shorts worth sniffing.
“BRIDES OF KRISHNA: Religious leaders in India are baffled by a bizarre new transvestite cult. Thousands of male devotees are dressing up as Radha, the goddess lover of Krishna – such as retired railwayman VK Saxena, 72, of New Delhi. ‘I feel more holy dressed as a woman,’ he said. ‘The Lord told me he wanted me as his bride.'”
“STRANGE FRUIT: Police found the testicles of Thomas Dietrich, 32, hanging from a tree after his gay lover ripped them off and hurled them from a train in Germany.”
“MUSICAL FALLOUT: Bulgarian church officials were outraged by Madonna’s plans to stage her ‘Sticky & Sweet’ gig at the Vasil Levski Stadium in Sofia on 29 August – the day Orthodox Christians mark the beheading of John the Baptist with a fast. She refused to reschedule, and a week later 15 Bulgarians were killed in a boating accident. The Metropolitan of Plovdid blamed the disaster on Madonna. ‘It was a sign from heaven.'”
“CROSS-DRESSING: Paul Devonshire, 44, was walking along the sea front in Holyhead, North Wales, when his tight black miniskirt caused him to trip and fall into the water. He struggled to swim ashore because of the tightness of the skirt. His body was found the next day. An inquest ruled the death an accident.”
And this slime-trailer, originally sourced from the Charleston WV Gazette, dated Aug. 8, 2009. (I’m sure few Michiganders saw it belly-crawling and hissing online.) “FRENCH REVELATION: Jacques Chirac, previous President of France, has revealed that George W. Bush rang him in early 2003 to ask for French troops to join in attacking Iraq.
“The loopy American actually said, ‘Gog and Magog are at work in the Middle East. The biblical prophecies are being fulfilled. The confrontation is willed by God, who wants to use this conflict to erase His people’s enemies before a New Age begins.” (NOTE: ‘loopy American’ is FT’s succinct comment. Charitably British, I would think.)
And, if you need further proof of the existence of a Cosmic Jokester: “HOMING WALLET: Shaun Byrne. 35, lost his wallet on the seafront of East-bourne, East Sussex, England, in May 2009. Four months later it was found in Denmark 500 miles away by a dog with the same name.” Not Denmark. Not Shaun. Get this, Mary Magog. BYRNE!”