Contrary to SPCA. rumors, I do love cats and dogs. Unfortunately, I'm allergic to dander, and keeping my favorite religious breed of choice, a St. Bernard – with or without traditional collar-and-keg rescue service – is outside the pet parameters of my budget and studio space.
So, I make do by now and then visiting friends who have four-legged "kids." Jan and Susan, BTL co-publishers, have two cats (who rarely deign to appear in public) and four dogs: Teddy, Yogi, Cooper and Daisy.
My favorite's Coop, a 12-year-old golden retriever, who, even though I might not have seen him for months and months, goes tail-wagging bonkers when we meet. When I sit on Jan and Susan's comfy living room couch, Coop looses no time in joining me, turns tummy up, looks up at me beady-eyed adoringly, tongue a-drooling.
(We suspect he's gay. At my age any adoration I can get is more than welcome, no matter what the drool, so long as its not Republican-endorsed, or comes with Tea-bagger belly rubs.)
Another acquaintance, Vince, a performance artist, shares his studio with Crisco, a Chihuahua. This tiny caballero, for whatever reason of pent-up doggie lust, tries to hump my shoe whenever I drop by. Although Vince swears Crisco's been "adjusted," his humping behavior is persistent. Until my last recent visit.
According to Vince, Crisco's now ultra sound-wave disabused of his shoe-on, turn-on by a hand-held gismo that emits a piercing wavelength of 60,000+ Hz that we humans can't hear but dogs can. (Our limit's 40,000 Hz.)
The zap-zap instantly stops humps, barks, jumps, bites, inappropriate pees and poops in mid-act. Faster than you can say arf! Ole! No lay! Go way!
(Cats, who do what they damn well please, aren't visibly affected by ultrasonic bombardment. They respond by purring contentedly, enthusiastically, just enough to indicate pleasure and/or amusement at the misfortune of any sound-struck dog inside their feline domain.)
So successful has this handy triple-A battery device called ARF-OFF! been – hundreds sold as ideal gifts for would-be B&Ers – that manufacturer Sound-Wave Research to the Rescue Co. developed a similar device for a specialized category of slightly brain-dented humans whose HZ hearing is abnormally above and beyond normal range (65,000 HZ), namely Bible-thumpers.
Called the EMS Stun Box (Emergency Minister, Silencer), it's compact, looks like a small, gilt-edged Gideon Bible, usually found in most two-star motels from coast to coast. Depending upon the targeted group of Bible thumpers, ultrasonic zapping can be fine tuned.
"There are certain sounds that are unnerving for thumpers," says Brent B. Avengeus, EMS Stun Box inventor. "For example – God only knows why – the sound of human copulation – when combined with moans of obvious sexual pleasure – zapped to 63,000 HZ – sends Bible thumpers into a garter-snapping, pants wetting panic.
"What usually happens is these BTs break out in a cold sweat, start mumbling in unknown tongues, run screaming from the room. We're also working on what's called the Watchtower 666.
"Operating at 63,666 HZ, it sends out pulsating bursts of 'Star-Spangled Banner,' 'Jingle Bell Rock,' Pledge of Allegiance. Any JW within 50 feet turns bed-sheet white, drops his or her neatly pressed pamphlets, suddenly has the urge to go out and vote. It's a bit extreme. But user friendly.
"Lastly, there's the Gaydare Big 10er – which should be available by Halloween. It's ultrasonic wired to 69,000 HZ (capable of piercing the densest skull). It's for redneck bully pulpit types. The Gaydare message – simplicity itself: 'You know you want it. You know you need it. Hypocrite, You ain't man enough to beg for it.'
"It comes with batteries. And earplugs, just in case."
