Now that we’re over …
I got dumped by my girlfriend, “Leslie,” and I really have no idea why. Leslie and I have been dating for seven months. Really, Jody, I don’t have a clue why she dumped me. And not only did she dump me, she did it in a mean way. She was at the bar and told a friend of mine, “Carrie,” that she and I were no longer going together. (Leslie was dancing with other women and, later in the night, was in a corner seat of the bar making out with a woman.) So, the next day Carrie called me to ask what happened between Leslie and me, and to basically say that she was sorry about our break-up. I felt like I had just backed up and dropped into a sink hole. I couldn’t have been more surprised and devastated.
Leslie and I supposedly had a monogamous arrangement – we’d made an agreement about that aspect of our relationship. It wasn’t that we had made a big lifetime commitment to each other, but we were on the road to doing that. We had even discussed that “down the road” we’d start looking for a place together. We talked about whether we wanted children and which one of us would be best for carrying the child. Doesn’t all that seem like commitment in the making? It sure did to me. Hell, I thought we were happy; I was anyway. I’ve been so stunned that I just walk around in a daze most of the time.
I tried and tried to get a hold of Leslie but she doesn’t accept my calls. I’ve left her messages asking her what is going on: What did I do? What’s the problem? But she doesn’t respond with even an e-mail, let alone a phone call or a personal contact of some kind. Leslie told one friend that she doesn’t want to talk to me – and never will, and that she’s just tired of me and needs to move on, and I should just get over it.
Carrie and some other friends say that she owes me an explanation, and I think she does too. They even have said that they should kidnap her and bring her to me and make her explain. I know they are joking but I wish they could do that because I’m just left feeling kicked in the face without knowing why.
What do you think? Do you feel like I deserve an explanation, or should I just get over it and “move on?” (I even thought of doing something revengeful if she doesn’t talk to me, but frankly I can’t come up with anything yet.)
In a Sink Hole
A: Of course I think that Leslie should let you know what’s going on with her. You certainly deserve to know. However, life isn’t fair. And she’s probably not going to let you know. Given what you have told me, you are lucky that she’s gone. Her behavior is not that of a mentally healthy person. One day you’ll be glad she’s “moved on” and away from you. You do need to move on with your life, even though you will certainly be feeling sad and angry over what she has done. The pain will dissipate in time.
Though you didn’t really give me a good sense of your relationship before Leslie took off, I suspect there were red flags that you weren’t seeing. Things like this don’t happen in a vacuum.
You probably know that I’m not going to buy into the revenge thing. Revenge doesn’t solve anything and will just keep you mucking around in the unhealthiness of this relationship.
I recommend that you try and come up with why you were attracted to Leslie in the first place, so that hopefully you don’t get into a relationship like this again. You might want to do this work in a therapy setting so you can get some insight into what it is about you that attracts – and is attracted to – someone like Leslie. I suggest therapy because it can be difficult to figure it out on your own.