Parting Glances: Rubbing Peter to lay Paul(a)

Charles Alexander
By | 2018-01-16T07:29:04-05:00 July 8th, 2010|Opinions|

It’s crossed my mind – what with the purported success of ex-gay outreach ministries – there has been no attempt at X-ing out bisexuals, T persons, or asexuals.
Someone is being, in my humble opinion, somewhat reparative therapy remiss. (“Re-miss” in the following discussion of this social and religio-psychological expose is most apropos.)
I mention asexuals because a biblical injunction is to be “fruitful and multiply.” Asexuals, who haven’t the slightest interest in sexual mathematics, don’t abide by this Book of Genesis fiat from on high. No interest in peeping behind the fig leaf!
The bottom-line question is: How can anyone tell if someone has actually changed his or her sexual orientation? (Is change reflected in such outward manifestations as ex-gays taking a sudden interest in football? Stone butch dykes taking up sewing or non-lead ballroom dancing?)
If closet types can go around pretending to be straight, what’s to keep ex-gay converts from pretending as well? Maybe it would help the Sexodus International psychobabblers to require that each sexual changeling take a lie detector test, and have a CPA certify that he or she – against all improbable odds – is straight and not faking it to please family, friends, God. (Or the dumb-dumb opposite sex they are about to marry.)
It has however come to my attention that things are changing among Ex-Gay Movement propagandists. I’ve learned that Sexodus International, based in the citadel of human sexuality, debauchery and incessant smog – Los Angeles – is initiating a new outreach: Chicks with Dicks!
For PG readers who are unlearned in twofold ambiguities of carnal expression, a Chick with Dick is more often than not a surrogate sex partner advertising her “bi-product” expertise in America’s racier tabloids and alternate weeklies. “Call Lady Tondalayah TS now!”
(A bona fide C with D is not to be confused with T-persons of class, culture, distinction. A credit to our rainbow collection of wonderful people. But you all know that, don’t you? Ask Rachel Crandall at Affirmations’ helpline. She’ll tell you like it is.)
According to Sexodus International president Syclone Bestill Jr., who himself had reparative therapy for Christian pre-ejaculatory tendencies (Onanism induced) – twice weekly for a five-year period (excluding Lent, Christmas and Easter) – “Chicks with dicks are tools of the Devil.
“Truth of the matter is backsliders going on the sly to those Chicks With Dicks outta curiosity. They’re everywhere. And affordable. (So I’ve been told.) Us’un Southern Baptist types are getting a little too curious about gay this, gay that.
“The Bible says real plain, You can’t serve two masters. You can’t have it both ways. You gotta take it one way or t’other. Our straight men, our husbands, our pastors, think they’re safe playing both ends against the middle. My stars and hallelujah! I ain’t whistling Dixie! They’re not!”
Sexodus International plans to soften its approach to recruiting Chicks with Dicks for reparative therapy. Firstly, SI is avoiding giving its outreach an Old Testament name. Its board (three former lipstick lesbians turned stay-at-home housewives, two ex-gay 24/7 bath attendants and one Republican gynecologist) want a name that’s New Testament, specific to mission.
It was the gynecologist, Dr. Handlee Parter, that came up with the name that got everyone’s vote. “Sexodus International’s focus will solicit Chicks with Dicks – if one may choose ‘solicit’ as apt description – by the name Second Peter (named, by the way, for the disciple who denied his master as the cock crew three times),” says Dr. Parter, with a tad of biblical humor.
Should Second Peter get off in a big way, can therapeutic pegging be next for bona-fide, CPA-certified orientational change? (A new chapter in the “Left Behind” series!)

About the Author:

Charles Alexander