Q:
"Carrie" and I have been together for eight years. We started out monogamous in our relationship – that's what we agreed to. Two years ago, Carrie told me that she wanted to bring others into our relationship; well, actually, not bring in, more like have girlfriends for sex on the side. I didn't like that idea at all, but it came down to accepting this arrangement to keep Carrie or watch her go out the door. I chose to accept it because Carrie said that she still wanted me to be her "primary"; she just wanted some action on the side. She said that having some variety in her life would help her stay in our relationship.
So, that's been our arrangement and it wasn't going that bad, I guess. It seemed like just giving her the permission to do this made her happy, and I didn't lose that much time with her. But emotionally speaking, I feel she's not been there for me, like she used to be. Even though Carrie said that I could do the same thing, I have never been interested in having someone on the side.
So, that's how things have been going since this big decision by Carrie. I didn't tell my friends as I know that they would think me foolish, and Carrie said that she'd be discreet. She promised that she wouldn't get involved with any of my/our friends.
I found out a couple weeks ago that Carrie was involved with "Shawna." Shawna and her partner are friends of ours! This wasn't in the deal! It's been hard enough on me as it is, but now to find out that Carrie has gotten involved with a friend has been so upsetting. I feel so betrayed. Because of my love for Carrie, I stuck by her even though I didn't like her having affairs – and didn't participate myself. But now, it's like she's trying to really humiliate me. (Carrie doesn't know that I know about Shawna.)
I've been stewing about this ever since I found out. I've thought about everything from leaving Carrie to going to find a woman on my own to show Carrie how it feels.
Then, I got to thinking about how horrible it was of Shawna to do this to me – as well as to her partner. She was supposed to be a friend. Now I feel betrayed by both Carrie and Shawna.
Yesterday, I decided to call "Dee" (Shawna's partner) and invite her to lunch so I could tell her what's going on between Carrie and Shawna. On my way to lunch, I got this idea that it would serve both Carrie and Shawna right if Dee and I had an affair. At lunch with Dee, I ended up not telling her about Shawna and Carrie, but sort of flirted with Dee a bit. When the lunch was over, we made arrangements for lunch at a future date.
I really just want a monogamous relationship in life. My heart is not into having people on the side, but I'm debating just doing it once – with Dee – to wake Carrie up to how it hurts the other person.
Do you think that would work if I had a fling with Dee?
Tit for Tat
A: Here are a few questions for you to consider: How would you feel if Carrie was OK with you having an affair with Dee? How will you feel about yourself having an affair with Dee? Do you really want to use Dee, in that way, in order to get back at Carrie? And finally, how happy have you been since this new arrangement with Carrie?
Carrie has gotten you to agree to conditions in your relationship that you don't like; and then, she's disrespected you by getting involved with friends. You are paying a big emotional price for something you don't want and wasn't in your original agreement.
You and Carrie obviously have different ideas of what you want in a relationship. I'm thinking it's time to reconsider your devotion to Carrie.
