GATORADE, Ariz. – Heaven works in mysterious ways its wonders to perform. Perhaps that’s why I’m here on BTL assignment covering the first annual meeting of Drag Queens for Jesus.
Staff drew straws for the coveted weekend assignment, and I must assume that the infinite powers that be wanted me here to report on what – and for whatever reason of cosmic miss-givings – is deemed a moment of LGBT historic import – for America’s spiritual well being.
I was flown in, expenses free, by Rainbow Three Ways Airlines, and hadn’t been in this thriving conservative community of 832 when several townsfolk – none of whom is an admitted, known, or suspected crossdresser (or seemingly literate, for that matter) asked, “Are you the nationally known Parting Glances weekly columnist?”
“You’re better looking in person,” said one, a comment with which I had to wholeheartedly agree. God knows that astute observation alone was worth the 10-hour flight down here. As another saying goes – with slight variation – a columnist is without honor only in his own city.
(Just kidding. My PG readers send me cards, gifts, pocket money, hunky phone numbers every week. God also knows I really appreciate the fiduciary adulation. It sure beats 10 cents a spell-checked word anytime.)
As to the Gatoraders who had correctly tagged me, I suspect that Rainbow flight attendant Chance Ankleman put them up to it. I fancy he’s got a thing for me (either that or he’s got a tic) because he keeps winking at me every time he looks my way – which is disconcertingly often.
Tonight’s the highlight of the DQ4J confab: a Passion Play With Off Broadway Line Dance Routines, as recreated through the eyes of The Three Wisemen, history’s first on-record drag queens (incorrectly translated from ancient aramaic as kings).
The Three Queens are to be sung by Srs. Golda, Frankensenca & Mirthola, award winning Gospel drag, Jewish-convert trio from Eclair County, Mont. Choreography is by Blanche ‘Swaddling Babe’ Beaucoup, who holds the Guinness Book of Records for having seen “Chorus Line” 450 times and “Annie,” 310.
“I’ve paid my apprentice Equity dues,” she says. “And I’ve got the every theater ticket stub and calluses to prove it.”
Here’s more poolside interview with DQ4J first Lady-Love Mary Magdelana Bi-Faith: “I’m convinced that if more ministers, politicians – ‘American Idol’ judges especially – got in drag, even if they just did a bit of creative eyeliner – say, like Adam Lambert – the world would be a better place. And fabulous!
“International relations would be greatly improved if patriarchal, macho-male leaders allowed others to see a softer, femme side. It’s true that some of the more liberal PMs do crossdress at home – but frankly wearing a burka is not what I consider crossdressing.
“You’ve got to go public. What better place, say, than CNN? And – maybe I’m a tad off-base here – but I’m looking forward to the swear-in day when a member of the Supreme Court starts – and, admittedly, it’s a small, judicious step for mankind – wearing a string of real – not faux – pearls with traditional, no-frills, basic black robe.
“It’s my next Facebook project. I could use your help, Charlita PeeGee, soliciting your fans to sign up. By the way, stud muffinette, those gams of yours are Land O’Goshen just gor-gee-oh-so! You up to a little first-time drag? We need another walk-on for our Passion Play with musical flagellation. You just hafta shave them, look pretty, carry a rainbow whippette, do a dance step or two, and get on your knees for the BIG have-a-blessed-day.”
“How about a loin cloth with sequins? And maybe a little TLC spank-spank for Jesus in the wings?”