Why can't I be perfect?
Q: My girlfriend "Tami" and I have been dating for almost a year. She is a fabulous person – cute as a bug and smart. We love the same kind of things. We think alike when it comes to politics and religion, so nothing to upset each other in those areas. I feel lucky that I found her.
OK, to the problem: Tami is a one of those people who just has good habits. I admire that about her. She does so many things well: all A's in school, neat and tidy, and she doesn't procrastinate. I could go on and on about her other good habits. I, on the other hand, am not so perfect and I do have some bad habits, like I chew my nails when I get nervous and I don't pick up my clothes right away, though I always come back and get them and put them away. It's not like I leave them in the bathroom; I dress and get ready, then I go around and pick things up. I smoke even though I have tried to quit. I never made all A's in college, but I did graduate.
I could go on and on about the things that I don't do exactly right. I'm just not that good, that perfect. Tami really wants me to work on changing my bad habits. She says that she had to develop good habits, as they didn't come naturally, so I should be able to change mine as well. God knows my mother tried with me; she was always trying to better me too.
The truth is, I would like to change some things about myself – like stop biting my nails, quit smoking and a few other things, but I'm feeling like such a failure. I also have to say that it is hard having people always telling me I have to change something.
Why is it that when people harp on me to change, I feel less like I can do it?
The Imperfect One
A: First, let me say that "perfectionism" itself is a bad habit. It is even a worse habit when you go around trying to make others perfect.
Secondly, having people "harp" on us to change is an extremely ineffective plan for helping us to change any behavior that we would like to change. In fact, harping actually promotes keeping us entrenched in the behavior because we feel judged, resentful, angry and not OK about ourselves.
In the case where we really do want to change something – it's our idea and desire – we need positive support, not harping and criticism, to help the change process.
When being harped at, we often end up feeling so resentful that even if we would like to change, we don't. Not because we don't want to, but because we, then, become oppositional. It's like, "You think you can control me? Well, just watch." The problem, when we get into this dynamic, is that we are still being controlled because we don't change the things we would really like to change.
I think you also need to deal with your being with someone who seems to need to find your flaws and make you perfect, according to her standards. It sounds like this dynamic started with your relationship with your Mom and is now being played out with Tami.
I suggest you and Tami get couple's counseling. If she won't participate, you go anyway. This situation will not get better; and even if things don't ultimately work out between you and Tami, you're likely to find yourself back in a similar situation if you don't get some help.
Most of us want to change something in life, but change can be difficult. It's more than just wanting to change, we have to have a plan and deal with the psychological factors that keep us from changing. For a helpful article on "The 10 Rules of Change," visit Facebook/Dear Jody Valley.
