Parting Glances: Three arfs for BARK!

A pre-Obama administration federally funded study by the Bureau of Animal Record Keeping finds that "persons of rainbow personality make the best dog owners but have little influence on cats."
Anticipating outcry from gay activists who own feline breeds, the BARK study adds,"This state of petulant attitude shouldn't be misconstrued as homophobia on the part of America's cat populations. Their disdain is accorded to straights as well."
The study also finds, "dogs owned by LGBTs are happier, better mannered, more likely to heel and fetch than dogs reared by straight breeders. They also, for whatever reasons of LGBT master-induced imitation, shed less during summer months and do sniffing and tree marking in a covert, more decorous manner."
Interestingly, too, is BARK's finding that all breeds (exceptions: Pekinese, Chihuahua, dachshund) show marked sporting instincts (catching Frisbees, treeing squirrels, chasing unmarked police cars) when raised by lipstick lesbians in committed relationships.
Rottweilers, "when dyke raised tend to be exclusively a one-owner breed. They're loyal to a fault." (The dogs, not the dykes.) "It's also a matter of record that Doberman Pincers are frequent enthusiastic sidecar companions for the lesbian subculture known as 'Dykes On Bikes'."
"Breeds raised by gay men seldom whine – or, if they do, it's in quieter whimpers, and are less likely to eat ill-prepared dinner scraps. They also show preference for dog houses painted in warmer tones, tastefully edged with white lattice work. Collar choices are sequins and/or rhinestones, with ID owner contact availability numbers."
(Note: There is contention to this latter finding on the part of leather community members. According to a number of Alaskan huskie S/M owners – admittedly a small but vocal minority – leather-lined dog houses with accessible slings and spike collars are standard accessories for this dominant breed. Neutering optional.)
The big disappointment of the BARK study is with the finicky cat population. It's determined that cats raised by LGBTs are just as likely to be as avidly, 'get-you-Mary' independent as cats raised by straights.
"The scientific/sociological truth is that cats just don't give a rat's winkie if you're straight or gay. If you feed them on time – or, preferrably laced with catnip – they couldn't care less about one's sexual orientation or what goes on in the neighboring bedroom. Provided it's done quietly, presumably safely, non-doggie style."
There's a note of promise, however. For some odd reason alley cats seem to live longer when kept by gay single males. This applies whether neutered or not. (The cats, not the single gay males.)
Not everyone is pleased with BARK data. In The Family Way, a right-wing, stray vigilante organization, headquartered in Free Fall, Montana, expresses outrage and some umbrage in its monthly newsletter, "The Litter Box." (Sorry: "The Letter Box")
"The Gay Agenda stops at nothing," opines its editorial, accompanied by a picture of a pink poodle with rhinestone collar. "Not only do gays want special rights to marry, adopt children, now they want to raise America's inarticulate majority – innocent dogs and cats – as same-sex household pets."
The diatribe indulges in the usual lies and half-truths: "Gay men have used poodles to thumb their collective noses at society for decades." "Dog shows are breeding grounds for sodomy!" "Rainbow scarves and doggie jackets are bringing America to its knees." "Would you want a leader dog for the blind trained by a lesbian or gay person?"
The editorial ends with the usual request for money in "the ongoing war to save our four-footed friends from a life of sin, pampering, weekly grooming, twinkie names. God loves a cheerful giver."
That S/HE does! Give a pup or kitten a loving home. Pets (unlike some flea-bitten, ferral, biblical biped, hound dogs) are traditionally lgbt friendly. And cuddly. Call your Humane Society.