Q: My partner "Barb" and I have been together for close to nine years. Barb has suffered from panic attacks almost all her life. In fairness to her, she told me about them when we got together – and I had witnessed a few of them. Over the years, Barb has had them probably no more than three or four times a year.
However, I think they are happening more often and getting more severe; this is probably due to the fact that she is under more pressure these days. Her family is driving her nuts. Also, her work is stressful because she now has to do the job that two people used to do. My concern is that she has had two panic attacks in one week.
Barb is a "stuffer." She stuffs her anger and stress, then – it's my belief – she gets her panic attack.
Her panic attacks have always been horrendous, but they seem to be getting worse. I've always worried that she was going to hurt herself or someone else. She has kicked holes in our bedroom doors (we've had to replace two doors in the past two years). She's thrown dishes and broken lamps. She also screams, shouts and gets so red in the face that I think she's going to have a heart attack.
Not only have her attacks come more often, I have felt threatened by them, as she throws things. Last night, she threw a glass pitcher of water. I really don't think she meant for it to hit me, but it did. I ended up in the hospital emergency room with five stitches. I didn't tell the emergency doc exactly what happened because, as I said, I don't believe that Barb meant to hit me. I've never been hit by one of her flying objects until this last time – wrong place at the wrong time.
I've tried to get Barb to see a therapist for her panic attacks; a friend of mine said that you can get help for them. Barb said that she's not crazy and her condition is genetic (her mother had them) and nothing can be done about them.
Is that true?
Fear of Flying Objects
A: First things first: From your description, Barb has something more resembling temper tantrums than panic attacks. Symptom of panic attacks are a combination of the following, but not necessarily all these signs: rapid breathing, racing heart, dizziness, sweatiness, feelings of dying or losing control of yourself, trouble breathing, chest pains, irregular heart beat. These symptoms come on suddenly and without warning.
I'm not sure how the family temper tantrums got labeled "panic attacks," other than it sounds better to suffer from panic attacks than temper tantrums, especially as one grows older. Temper tantrums are not genetic; they are a learned behavior – and as you mention, most probably from her mother. However, now that Barb is an adult, she needs to own up to her behavior, and not blame her continued dysfunctional behavior on her mother. She has the power to change it.
Barb can learn other ways of dealing with her frustration, anger and stress, but until she does, she'll continue with the temper tantrums. Being around an adult having a temper tantrum isn't fun – or pretty – but it also has to feel horrible to the person who is so out of control.
Barb certainly needs help to learn how to deal with her frustration and anger in a healthy way, for her own good as well as yours. I hope she changes her mind and seeks help with her problem. She'll be glad she did.
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