by Leslie Robinson
S
cientists in Florida have discovered that when male white ibises eat too much mercury, they turn gay.
Don't blame an overbearing ibis mother. Blame the metal.
Suspicious that mercury had led to lower breeding levels among the wading birds, researchers fed groups of ibises varying levels of mercury over three years. The results shocked the stuffing out of the scientists.
The higher the mercury dose, the more likely a bird was to sing show tunes.
These new Friends of Dorothy "pretty much did everything except lay eggs," said study leader Peter Frederick to The Miami Herald. "They built nests, they copulated, they sat in the nests together."
They went to a lesbian flamingo therapist when no egg appeared.
Male ibises with any mercury intake were more reticent to perform ritual courtship displays, causing numbers of female ibises to cry together over Cosmopolitans.
In the high-mercury birds, reproduction plunged 35 percent. Complaints from wannabe grandparents soared 65 percent.
The mercury levels in the experiment mirrored those found in the birds' natural wetland habitats. Frederick, a wildlife ecologist at the University of Florida, told Nature.com "the implication is that this is probably happening in wild bird populations."
Which means the wilderness is getting wilder.
Not a good thing, in this case. These beautiful, long-billed birds are being poisoned into gayness. In wild populations of ibis with no mercury exposure, same-sex pairings don't occur.
Well, it probably happens once in a while, when the tequila is plentiful and the birds are bi-curious, but not as a rule.
We should go with what nature intended. Let's keep the ibises straight and the people gay!
In south Florida, mercury leeched into the Everglades for years, mainly from the burning of municipal and medical waste. "Most mercury sources are local rather than global–local enough that we can do something about it, such as installing scrubbers on smoke stacks," Frederick said. "Ecosystems respond very quickly to regulatory action when it comes to mercury."
But how will the birds respond? If their diet is cleaned up, will they revert to being straight? If they need a little help, then by George, we might've found an actual use for ex-gay groups. Ex-gay leaders can take ibises under their wing and lead them back to heterosexuality. The success rate can only be higher than it is with people.
Speaking of people, Frederick frets that "people will read this and immediately jump to the conclusion that humans eating mercury are going to be gay. I want to be very explicit that this study has nothing to say about that."
Doubtless some parents have nonetheless purged their larder of tuna fish, tossed the thermometer, and made a date at the dentist to convert all of Junior's mercury fillings.
And if they hadn't already banned from the house the music of Freddie Mercury, they have now.
Frederick also said that what's true for ibises isn't necessarily true for other species, even other bird species. So jump to no conclusions about a couple of male green herons that adore each other's company. Make no assumptions about the two roseate spoonbills with a passion for pomegranate martinis.
The turtles that hide during mating season are simply shy. And the alligators that agree they'd make lovely boots are just metrosexual.
I visited south Florida this past year, and I watched ibises. I admit to my shame that I didn't notice any gay goings-on. This is probably because I can't tell males from females.
I needed obvious indicators of homosexuality. Now, had two canoodling birds sported Prada shoes, I would've caught on.
