Q:
I just got back from spending the holidays with my folks who live in another state. I had a good time – until News Year's Eve when my parents had a party inviting family and friends, sort of in honor of my being home. I had not been home for the holidays in 10 years. Since my boyfriend and I broke up, I figured it might be a good time to spend time with family. Now, I'm sorry that I did that.
The night of the party, my uncle "Ernie" was drinking pretty heavily. I don't know why, but he decided to tell me that my dad (his brother) had had an affair several years ago with this woman "Sandra" (a friend of the family) who was at the party. Sandra is quite a bit younger than my dad.
Sandra was, and still is, married and had her husband at the party. OK, that's bad enough, in my eyes, that my dad would have an affair, but Uncle Ernie said that Sandra's little boy is really my dad's child, not Sandra's husband's child, so that would make the little boy "Jack" my brother!
I asked if my mother knew about this. Uncle Ernie said that she knew about the affair, but not about the boy being my dad's. If all this is true, and given the time frame of the affair, I don't know why she wouldn't suspect that Jack was my dad's son – though Jack looks a lot like his mother. Frankly, I couldn't see any resemblance of either my dad or Sandra's husband in Jack.
I was trying to absorb all this, then Uncle Ernie said that he was afraid that my father has "spawned" another little fag – tossing me a dig – since the "kid was a little light on his feet."
That's when I left the party.
My parents were upset with me for leaving the party early, since it was supposed to be for people to come and see me. Finally, I told them that I wasn't feeling well, but I could tell that they knew it was a lie. I didn't say anything about what Uncle Ernie said to me. I was scheduled to leave the next day, and I did.
Now, I'm left with all this to deal with, not sure what's true and what's not, and the nasty comment from my uncle.
I just don't know what to do. Was Uncle Ernie telling me the truth – or was it just drunk talk? Ask my parents – mother or dad or both – about this? Talk to Sandra? Punch Uncle Ernie for what he called Jack and me? Or maybe just buy my "half-brother" a belated Christmas present?
A Can of Worms
A: The question is, if all this is true, what do you think you will accomplish by opening the can of worms? If all is now well, or healed, between your parents, going to them would be pricking an old wound. Your mother may suspect that Jack is your dad's child, but not want to really know that he is.
Jack is either your biological half-brother or not. Again, what would be the cost to each and everyone involved in this situation for you to know for certain? Would Jack appreciate knowing that the man he thought was dad is not dad? (And really, being a dad is less about biology than about being there for a child.) It sounds like Jack is pretty young. What would that do to him and his family?
I understand that this information – or misinformation – is very disturbing to you; however, it could get worse by your need-to-know.
If you decide that you are not going to let it go, and are determined to find out, take your father aside and ask him.
As for your Uncle Ernie, you might want to write him a note and let him know how inappropriate he was, and that you didn't enjoy his homophobic remark.
