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Leave diapers behind!

Parting Glances

It was bound to happen sooner or later. After 40 years of the spearheading Ex-Gay Movement – founded in 1970 during the onset of the so-called Sexual Revolution – heterosexuals are finally demanding equal time to change their sexuality.
Statistically a growing number of American straights say they have had it with being heterosexual and want out – in a new sense of the word.
They've come to question what heterosexuality has done to them, their families, their friends. Many feel that heterosexuality – with its hypocritical denigration of religious principles and traditional sacraments – is a ho-hum, shameful sham. (Only a questionable tax incentive keeps them to task.)
According to The Society for Regional and Urban Coitus Interuptus, as many as ten percent of women and 3 percent of men are unhappy, "mentally, morally, misanthropically" tired of a genetic function they did not actually choose at birth.
"Shocking as these radical statistics are – they include a nationwide sampling bracketed by 983.5 reasonably sane warm bodies, ages 16 to 90, in non-clinical or homeland security settings – this alarming state of affairs should come as no big surprise to anyone," reports Coitus Interuptus straight forwardly.
"Factors contributing to this sexual about face are many, growing, unabating. Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, an untoward number of fathers are absent, deadbeat, unwilling to pay child support. Spousal abuse is rampant. Sex education or birth control techniques, unavailable or withheld.
"Good role models are few and far between. Sarah Palin, Mel Gibson, the Church of Jesus Christ Latter Day Saints, Lady Gaga notwithstanding. The crisis, fortunately, is being attended to. Reparative Therapy, long applied to gays exclusively, will now give sincere straights equal, varied, and ongoing opportunities to pursue a quest for personal fulfillment as living, breathing, functional asexuals."
To that end, the innovative RT program, called Impotency Straight, an offshoot of Sexodus International, is being tried in three key cities where straight discontent is greatest: San Francisco, New York City, Salt Lake City.
Once the program is underway, similar RTIS programs will be federally or state funded in suburban venues where hetero unrest is seen as a likely source for future discontent. (Unfortunately in Michigan, newly elected Gov. Snyder's tight budget precludes Lansing funding. Unless, of course, the problem gets democratically out of hand, so to speak.)
According to Impotency therapist Dr. James-Luke Twelvetrees lll, "Heterosexuals who in the past have had unsatisfactroy encounters with unloving, too hastily, unpowdered, diaper changes by alternating non-religious, unbiblically versed parents, siblings – or, worse, teeny rapper babysitters – are candidates for sexual alienation, anger (and reoccurring boom box induced anxiety rashes).
"While there's no simple cure – if you're not happy with who you are, change takes time: unhappy weeks, months, years, maybe a lifetime. We at Impotency Straight have found that attending three, four, or, if need be, five, six or seven group, three-hour therapy sessions a week can be helpful. And habit forming.
"Through prayer, same gender hugging, same gender association during RT meetings, and once-a-month (or weekly) one-on-one, mentored diaper-and-talc, free association, shared biblical dream analysis, the goal of sustained asexuality can be a viable option, a fully respectable alternative to active heterosexual engagement."
Does Impotency Straight actually work? Frankly, it's a little too soon to expect statistical verification. If the program is anything like ex-Gay Sexodus, it's questionable. Many in Sexodus discover they're bisexual. Many realize that straight or gay – sadly perhaps – but face it, kiddo! – nobody's interested in them one way or the other.
Most conclude that no matter what they hope, how hard they try, they're still who they think they shouldn't be. Week after week they play the waiting game for the big change that rarely comes. (Life is what it isn't, when it was what it wasn't.) Straight or gay, get on with it. Be yourself. Live a little. Live a lot! Self-loathing comes with a price very few can afford.

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Topics: Opinions
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