Q: My partner "George" and I have been together for 25 years. I love him dearly and want you to know right off that leaving him is not an option that I'm willing to consider.
George and I used to be very active in life. We were involved in many outdoor activities in both winter and summer. Just to give you some idea of how active we were: In the summer, we used to belong to a biking club, a canoeing group, went hiking and camping, had people over for barbecues. In wintertime, we went snowshoeing, cross-country skiing, to movies and parties, and took mini vacations to warm places.
We have many friends and have the ability of being as social as we could ever want to be; and in the past, we have been very social.
In the last three years, we have, little by little, eliminated one thing after another, until now we pretty much sit on our deck – sometimes eating dinner and/or having cocktails out there – in the summer. (This is considered by George as an activity.) Needless to say, we've both gained weight.
I decided that I wanted to reverse what was happening in our lives, at least go back to some of our old activities. (It's not like we are over-the-hill; we're in our mid-50s.) The problem is, George isn't that interested in going back with me. I didn't ask him to go back to doing everything, just try to return to a few things this summer – his choice. He just groaned, and went back to what he was doing.
What he was doing was surfing the web. Or specifically, going to his Facebook and Twitter pages, and numerous other sites he visits, or should I say, lives at when he's not working. (I don't know how much he surfs at work; he sure has the opportunity to.) Beside his social networks, he reads his newspaper online (over breakfast), does his banking, shopping and Googles just about everything he's curious about. He also plays all kinds of games, and even has this thing where he "farms" on the computer, collecting animals or something. Very weird. (I don't get it, but if he brought home some real veggies, it wouldn't be so bad.) He also gambles on the Internet; I don't think he's in any trouble with his gambling, but I couldn't really say. I think that if he could, he'd go to the doctor online – not that he doesn't visit medical websites when he or I have a pain or a stomach ache. For all I know, he's having sex online as well. He sure is not having it with me.
As I said, I love George and I want him back from his life in cyberspace. Do you have any ideas as to how to retrieve him?
Cyberspace Widower
A: From your description, it sounds like pretty addictive behavior – or, at least, avoidant behavior. I assume that George does have a physician here on earth; if so, I think he needs a visit to check out any physical problems that may be keeping him from feeling like moving out from under his computer. You didn't mention if you thought that he was depressed. Have you asked him about that? Have you asked him why he's not willing to engage in life outside of his computer? In other words, what does he think about it?
You need to also look at how you have played into this three-year decline. What's been going on in your life and relationship with George? What precipitated – three years ago – the letting go of your active lifestyle?
These are some of the places to start looking. If you don't get clues or come to some answers and changes in your lives, it's time to look into couples counseling for help. Good luck.
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